Of things to come and things that are.

I promise, it's all coming.
-getting through that 1 year later day.
-having a baby
-working on our yard
-other house projects
-monthly pictures
-trips and summer fun
-starting kindergarten (because I know I won't have all the above blogged before that day comes)

I have a lot to blog about and just not enough time to do it.

I have a draft going from Isaac and Evan's 1st birthday. I started editing pictures and picking out what ones to include and have most of the text. Honestly though, sometimes more often than not, it's just too hard to go there. It's too hard to open myself up again and let the tears that come with all the thoughts of my sweet boys freely flow. A floodgate of emotion that wears me out and brings me down.
That day... Isaac and Evan and their day and their presence in our family are at the top of the list. Their post has to be done before I can move on.

I feel guilty coming here and posting more of the same that it has been for much of the past year, but I have been feeling more emotional lately and actually feel like letting some out tonight.When the opportunities come to let some of that emotion that has been settling deep inside for too long, I don't like to let them pass by. I'm ready to post about all the happy normal things in life again, so bear with me through yet another not so happy couple of posts.


I miss them more often these days it seems. I feel like I am constantly wishing for what is not here. Wishing for what my life would have been.

One year ago I would have been 36 weeks pregnant. Large. Tired. Excitedly counting down the moments until I would experience that amazing moment of having a baby in each arm. Knowing that at any time in the remaining 4 weeks I would be looking at two identical little humans in wonderment.  Holy awesomeness.

Instead I spent the last year of my life grieving and sad. I lost my twins and a whole life of  unique experiences with them in our family. I also lost my innocently happy self. I wish I could go back to the days where I was blissfully unaware of how painful life can be. If I had Isaac and Evan I wouldn't have had Seattle (that is gray/cloudy/lots of rain with bits of sunshine peeking through in a fabulous city) for that past year of my life.  I sometimes have regrets about the kind of mom I have been/things I have missed and I wish that I didn't have the valid reason to be that way in the first place. I dislike that this experience and all of the "side effects" that come with it are part of my life. I would rather have the twins and the happy thank you.

This year I would be making their birthday invitation and planning an amazing first birthday for two crazy boys and celebrating one year of life with twins down. Instead I am designing an engraved rock to place in the ground to mark where my tiny boys are buried. It all seems so final and permanent. A painful reminder that I don't get any more moments with them. There will be no birthday parties for twin boys.


Having a baby has made me so much more aware of what I am missing. I am so thankful for her, but it's hard not to wish for them as I look at her sleeping and see the two older brothers that are not here with us in her.
I look at her and wish for them. I imagine another baby lying next to her and imagine how life would be like with two giggling babies.
Every time we go somewhere or do something I can't help but think of how it would be doing it with twins.
I carry Addilyn's car seat and imagine carrying two of them. When she cries I think about two crying babies. Every time we put two extra people in the van I think about how we would only have room for one. Lagoon. Bear Lake. Playing outside. Cloth diapers. Sleeping. The nursery and 2 cribs. Room sharing. Vacations. Eating out. Getting in the car. Getting out of the car. Going to the grocery store. Watching Kaitlyn and Alex interact with Addilyn. Driving. Holidays. Family visits. Parks. Church. Going on walks.
Everything.
All would have been done with two. How different it would all be...

My life is changed. I am changed. My heart is full of the conflicting emotions of being happy and sad simultaneously.
Life is not ruined, and in fact it's pretty sweet overall. I have been blessed with all sorts of wonderful.

But despite all the wonderful, at the end of even the most perfect of days (perhaps even more so then), I still go to sleep with an aching heart that is so desperately missing and longing for those two little boys who I didn't get to put to bed that night and who I didn't get to laugh with and love on that day.

I miss them. I wish I could walk in that tiny bedroom right now and watch their almost 1 year old faces peacefully sleeping. What I wouldn't give...

April 22nd. 1 year later.

1 year ago today we found ourselves on a crazy ride that made our heads spin. No one ever expects it will be them that actually has twins. I certainly never thought it would happen to me.
But it did. Those following 6 days after seeing two little boys up on the screen were some of the happiest of my life. I was so excited to be having twin boys and that our little family was going to be complete with them. I was excited for the new adventure and different experience of being pregnant with and parenting twins. Life could not have been more perfect.

Here is my post from one year ago. 

Looking at one and missing two

I brought home a bunch of baby stuff from my brother and sister in law's house today.
I'm sitting here looking at a car seat.
I can't look at it without thinking about how my house was going to have two of those sitting around waiting for babies instead of just one. So I sit wishing and imagining that there were two car seats side by side instead of just that single car seat sitting there.
Same for the bouncy seat.
And the boxes of boy clothes. Enough clothes for two little boys to share.

I'm surrounded. A normal person would look at all of this baby stuff in excitement and anticipation of the arrival of their baby, but for me, they are painful just to look at. Every item is a reminder of things that I planned and anticipated and was excited for. Every item is a reminder that my boys are not here.

Letting it Out

Sometimes I just feel like yelling about how much I miss and want my baby boys just so I don't have to keep it inside anymore. It's the same thing I feel like yelling and thus nothing new for anyone, but it makes me feel better.

So tonight, here I am yelling again.
I'm not going to say it's unfair. So many people have hard things to endure as well. I know that this is just life and what we got was just the luck of the draw.
I refuse to believe that God "gives" us trials to either teach us or make us better or whatever. As a parent, I could never willingly give my child something so heartbreaking to endure. I don't imagine my Heavenly Father wanting me to have this kind of pain enough to willingly give it to me.
I believe that pain and suffering are just a part of life that we agreed to, not knowing who would get what. You're lucky if you make it through life without any heartbreak. God is involved in our lives, but not so much as to pick and choose what does or doesn't happen to us.
Anyway, point being I don't have a poor me or why me mentality. But that doesn't mean that I'm not upset by my loss.

Lately my thoughts have been consumed, as they often have been over the past year, over how crazy and miraculous it was that we ended up with identical twins. We had that random act of nature happen when an egg splits into two. No one knows why it happens. It just does. And it's miraculous that two tiny beings are created with virtually the same genetic make up. It is awe inspiring.
The odds of it happening once are amazing enough. The odd of it happening twice are near impossible.
Impossible.

That is the heart of the matter for me.

I was going to have twins and now it's out of the question. For me, a single baby is normal and expected. Twins were a miracle. A once in a lifetime chance. I lost that miracle.

I know that many will argue that any baby is a miracle. I agree. The creation of another human being is truly miraculous. It is.
But I would hope that no one would argue that it is even more miraculous when that single potential human is split into two identical humans.

Imagine going into an ultrasound expecting the standard single baby and discovering that that single baby is actually 2 babies. From a single egg. A once in a lifetime chance that not everyone even gets a chance to have. How would you feel if that happened to you? It's unexpected and thrilling and beyond amazing.

It hurts my heart that we were there. We got to experience that thrill and amazement for what now feels like seconds. I so desperately want to go back and have things be different.  But I can't. So I just have to let out the frustration that I feel so very often.

So I'm yelling. I'm mad that I don't have my boys and all that would have come with them.

And now my disclaimer for all of you people who I feel like just don't get it when I post stuff like this. Please understand that I feel how I feel and I can feel however I need and want to feel. I don't have to feel guilty about my feelings and shouldn't be made to feel guilty by anyone. I don't have any control over how I feel most of the time and feel crazy enough sometimes without other people telling me I am. My feelings are real.  Losing twins, for me, was an extra blow beyond losing a single baby. I don't discount anyone else's feelings or losses. I'm not saying that my loss is worse than any one else's. All I am saying is that for me, I feel like I have more to deal with with losing twins than I would have if I had just lost a single baby. To me, it feels like I was given a miracle that I can never have again and I have every right to be angry/sad/depressed/bitter/upset about that for as long as I need to be. It's not about anyone else- it is about how I feel about my loss.
I don't need anyone to fix my problems for me. I don't even really need help comments. I don't need anyone to be my counselor. I don't want to pretend that everything is wonderful and normal like I do so well in real life.  I just need to let it out and feel like someone is listening. I want my friends to tell me that it's okay and that yes, it does suck and give me a hug. Support. Love. Validation. Empathy. That's what I need my friends/family/blog readers for.

Late nights and sad blogs

If it's not Downton Abbey keeping me up until 2 am, it's reading sad blogs and crying.

Reading about other people who lose a child even without ever experiencing a loss of your own child will make you sob. After losing a child, reading your feelings typed out by someone else who is there makes it so much more personal and touching. All of the feelings you have inside are right there on the screen in front of you, only you didn't have to type them out.

This is a club I wish no one had to be in. I wish I had more grace to tell people how much I've learned and how much peace I've felt, but I can't. It still hurts. My heart still aches.

As I've been thinking about how life will be with this baby and not having Isaac and Evan here, I've been worried. I'm worried for me and how I will handle it emotionally. Will I be able to look at that sweet face and not feel sadness over what I'm missing? I'm worried for my kids and that Isaac and Evan will become a distant memory, especially with the presence of a new baby. Will my pregnancy with Isaac and Evan, their birth, and the subsequent pregnancy and birth of this baby run into one long memory for them with this baby obviously holding more weight in their mind as it will be the end result?
I'm worried about how to include Isaac and Evan in our children's lives and how to make their brothers real to them. Especially with Kaitlyn who was so young and future children who never experienced their actual existence like Alex and Kaitlyn did.

The whole thing is hard! It makes me sad when I think about how Isaac and Evan should be here. That Alex and Kaitlyn should be right there with them experiencing life and making their own memories of their twin brothers. I hate that we don't get to experience life together as a family here on earth and that we are left with a hole where Isaac and Evan fit so perfectly.

I hate having to tell people or have people assume that this is my 3rd child. It seems so strange to be having my third child after being so prepared and excited in those few days to be the mother of four.
And now, I'm suddenly a mother of five children. And yet, if I tell people that this is my 5th child I am met with an incredulous look and more questions. Surely I can't have five children at my age! But I do. And every time someone asks me what number baby this is I'm left wondering what to say. By saying 5, no one will just leave that alone and I have to tell them that I have twin boys that were born too early to survive last year. Answering with three avoids further questions and I don't have to mention Isaac and Evan not being here, but it always leaves me feeling sad and conflicted and like I am not acknowledging the existence of my boys. Like they don't have a place in our family. Yes, I battle this every time I am asked about my children and what number this baby is. And for the record, you get asked how many kids you have/what number this baby will be a LOT when you are pregnant.

It was nice to read this on Ashley's blog, whose little girl, Preslee died after falling into a canal in 2010 when she was 18 months old.

"At first when I would look down and see glimpses of Preslee in Ledger it was difficult. Even as incredibly happy as I was, it hurt. I so desperately want my kids to know each other and have a relationship. I want something different other than explaining to Ledger who his sister is through a picture or a headstone in the future. I'm already tired of strangers assuming Ledger is my oldest, or other moms making comments like, "One day when you have a girl..." I don't know how to handle these situations. Sometimes I tell them about Preslee and then they get that mortified look on their face and it instantly becomes incredibly awkward. Sometimes they immediately begin drilling me with questions, and I see the judgment in their eyes when they hear the word "drowning." Sometimes I stay quiet and just smile, but it bugs me afterward that I allowed that person to think she never existed. I still haven't figured out how to answer people." 


I don't know what life will be like in 2 short months. For now I still just get by day by day. I try to find peace and acceptance so that I am prepared for those emotional moments that will surely come after the arrival of this baby. It is an incredibly conflicting place to be in. Despite the sweetness and happiness this baby will surely bring, with it will also come pain and sadness over what is missing. 

Walk to Remember

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.
October 15th is the designated day for pregnancy and infant loss.

We went to an annual Walk to Remember. The theme is, "We walk to remember the steps they will never take".
They do a little program and then everyone picks up a balloon to honor their baby/babies and we walk around a park in honor of our children. We then read off each babies name and each family releases their child's balloon.

It was a very tender experience for us. It is heartbreaking to be there and see SO many balloons and people. Everyone of those people there have felt those same feelings of sadness and loss that we feel.

This will be a yearly tradition for our family as another thing that we can do to remember Isaac and Evan and the all too short of a time they were here with us.
We miss them every day and  a piece of my heart and self left with them. I don't think that ever gets fixed. I don't think we'll ever stop missing them and wishing they were here and wondering about them and how life would be with them.

Genius Idea!

I picked up a Nemo card game for my Nemo obsessed Kaitlyn at DI (thrift store) the other day. We played it  Go Fish style as there should be 4 of each card and discovered that there are a few cards missing (of course).


I decided that I would just scan the matches of the cards we are missing (front and back) and then we'll have all 4 of every card. Bueno!
We don't care too much that we don't have the directions for the actual came the cards were intended for. I just love that I thought of something to replace those missing cards!

Random September

Nothing like being a few months late, right?

Here are my silly kids. The camera happened to be out and they wanted pictures taken, so I seized the opportunity. Alex LOVES doing crazy things and then seeing what he looks like on the screen. So he was posing with his sandwich here. Isn't that band-aid awesome? He had a small scrape on his nose, but INSISTED on a band-aid. Whatever kid.

Our stair railing got all finished! My dad had never done iron before, so he had a guy come and help him put it in. It went really fast and looks awesome! The only unfortunate thing about not having a wall and door there is that the basement noise tends to float right up the stairs and into Kaitlyn's room when she's napping. This leads to a lot of movie watching and playing with lots of shushing during nap time.
Overall, we love the improvement it's made to our house and everyone that sees it loves it. Our hall feels so much more open, which is nice!
We plan on eventually taking out the hall carpet and refinishing the old hardwood all the way down the hall.

I did a few new mermaid tails this year.
My good friend Lynsey and I contemplated how to make this one for a few hours. I had a customer who wanted a mermaid tail for her preschooler, but didn't want to worry about her tripping on it or holding it up all day. So we came up with this mermaid tail/skirt. It turned out really cute and I will probably make a few to stock this year.

I also made a mommy/daughter set. This lady's tail ended up being SO long. I made it according to a pattern that I have for the measurements the lady gave me and it was still big. She knew it was the first time I had ever made an adult tail and she was great. She said that it was fine and that she'd rather have it too big than too small. That is what I figured as well, so I'm glad that all worked out.

Seattle in September

In September my best friend from high school flew in from Hawaii for a visit. One of the weekends we were here we went up to visit my old roommate in Seattle for a girl's weekend. It was nice to get away.

When we came down the escalator we were amazed at how freakishly long the escalator was. We went back up it to take a picture. And video.

One of the first things we did was go to a coffee shop for my girlfriends. I got an amazing herbal tea with blood orange and rose hips and other deliciousness in it. I was feeling the need for sweet, so I loaded it up with honey and whatnot. When Kristin and Kellie sampled mine they said it was like drinking punch after their coffee.
Here we all our enjoying the fabulous weather that Seattle gave us for the weekend!

Then we went to the market and wandered around for a little bit. This is a lovely picture of me taken into the sun on the pier, so excuse the darkness of me.

We went on a dinner cruise out on the water that evening which was fun and of course got drinks before hand. I was basking in all of the peachy goodness of Washington and got this yummy peach concoction!

The next day we hopped on a ferry. Okay... Kellie actually hopped on the ferry first while she was out getting a drink thinking that we were driving on with the rest of the cars. After freaking out for a good 30 minutes to the point of crying, she responded to a page on the other side, so we felt okay getting on the ferry. We didn't want to get on without knowing where she had disappeared to! So Kristin and I had a nice ferry ride together.

We stayed with some people that Kellie knew with a "cottage" on Whidbey  Island.
See what a nice little place it was?

We walked down to the beach in the morning during low tide to see if we could find any crabs/shells. I picked up tons of large shells for my kids and we found this guy.

Here's a picture of the beach. And it was FREEZING walking around in flip flops.

While waiting in the long ferry line, we picked blackberries along side the road. This was working out fabulously until the line moved up a ton very quickly and poor Kellie and I couldn't ever quite catch up despite running as fast as we could down the road. I'm sure it was very humorous for all of those people just sitting in their cars watching us. We thought it was pretty hilarious ourselves.
Kristin ended up turning around and getting back in the back of the line so that she could pick us up.
The next time I got out to pick blackberries I made sure to hop in the car if the line moved at all.

Despite having all 3 of us on the ferry this time, we didn't get out and take any pictures on the ferry. We sat in the car and ate fish and chips and nachos.

Because of the massive heaviness of such fried food and my weird pregnant tummy, I ordered just a soup and salad at dinner. It was a very safe choice, but it was also SO good. I felt much better afterward!
This meant dessert at a dessert cafe place.

Here we are enjoying our desserts

And cracking up at the awful pictures Nick was taking of us. Most unflattering picture ever, but also hilarious.

Oh! We also went to the beach in West Seattle when we were trying to figure out what to do for dinner and walked around. Here's my sand art.

Our final morning we went to brunch (of course). I was so sad that they were out of their caramel french toast. Seriously- how could that not sound amazing? So breakfast wasn't the best, but not bad.
Then we went on a Duck Tour (land and water) of Seattle. This was the one rainy day our whole trip and we only had to deal with it for a few hours. Sadly, all while on our tour, but it was fun. We were also the only people on our whatever it was called, so that was fun.

I loved these water houses. I just loved the houses in Seattle in general. There was a fabulous mix of craftsman homes and modern homes. I could just drive up and down the neighborhood streets all day looking at houses. And mixed in with all the green and dense foliage... so awesome.

And of course here's the space needle with the umm... science? music? art? museum.

In the last couple of hours before we needed to get to the airport we ran over to Pike's market again and had some macaroni and cheese and then I picked up the most amazing peaches, apples, and nectarines ever to bring home to Jon. Totally laughing that his souvenir was fruit. But he LOVED them and appreciated the yummy-ness.
It's a good thing I had Kellie with me because I had to shove some of my stuff into her bag and STILL walked on the plane with a bag of fruit, a container of mac and cheese, my stuffed purse, and my heavier than I could even carry carry on. I bought my kids too much stuff apparently. :)

It was nice to get away and have some distractions for a few days. Though catching up on mermaids was totally insane. I absolutely loved Seattle, but am not quite sure how I would feel about it if I lived there with a majority of rainy days. The atmosphere was very cool and I loved all of the hills, the water, and the many many trees.
I definitely want to go back with Jon, but I want to go see every place with Jon. He's just awesome like that.

This FREAKS me out.

Umm... see those scars and HOLES in people to remove their melanoma?

I have to have a pretty extensive removal on my EYELID. Yes, it is *only* precancerous, but they still have to remove ANY and ALL precancerous cells there. Tell me you wouldn't be freaked out or at least a little concerned if it were you.

All I can say is that that ocular plastic surgeon better be DAMN good at what he does or else I may end up crying. A lot.

And just so you don't think I'm all cynical/negative and vain, of course I will be so thankful not to have melanoma and all that comes with it and thankful to be alive so I shouldn't care about how I look in the end.
BUT a person's face, and definitely their eyes (especially mine where they are often the first thing people notice about me), are something so defining and distinguishing that it would be tragic to a person to have their appearance drastically altered or effected by a major scar. Many plastic surgeons are very careful with facial surgery because it is so much a part of how someone sees and defines their self.

Sigh.
Three (or more) months until I get to go down that fun road. Watching this video definitely did NOT help my nerves, though I do agree completely that we (and especially my family members as we DO have a family history of skin cancer} need to be aware of our skin and keep an eye on it.

Thus the share.

So freak out over my eyelid removal and reconstruction with me and be concerned for yourself at the same time. I don't wish the freaking out over their own diagnosis and removal on anyone. No one wants to think about the extensive removal of cells and tissue that has to be done to eradicate melanoma and even precancerous cells and the scars it will leave them with.

My Creepy Stalker-esque-ness

I pass by a certain house every time I go to drop off/pick up Alex from preschool.

They have a nice big tree in their side yard and under the tree is the cutest turquoise bench paired with yellow and red Adirondack chairs. In the fall, there were cute pillows out on the bench.

The porch has several large painted planting pots on either side of the door- totally empty, just there for colorful decor.

The front window has TONS of paper snowflakes covering the top corners. I had the same idea (but in a layered hanging effect) for my french doors, but didn't ever get around to it.

And today when I drove by there was an ADORABLE pedastool table outside that had just been painted cream.

I have considered writing whoever lives there a letter. At first it was just to find out where she got her bench. But now I want to write her a letter telling her that I want to be her friend. Because all of the cute stuff at her house just make her seem completely fabulous.

So there you have it. Not only do I want to write a complete stranger a letter to ask them where they got their outdoor furniture, I want to send a friendship bracelet as well. I like to think that I am not the only person that sees people/homes as they are out and thinks to themselves, "I really want to be friends with THAT person!"
I'm so creepy.

If only I could snap my fingers...

...and have my time consuming projects done! I don't mind the little things, but I get impatient for the big stuff.

My room makeover is getting closer to coming together and I can hardly stand the wait!

Last Saturday my dad came over and we discussed and planned making my new bed. Super excited about that!

I happened to hit up HomeGoods the other night and found THE perfect coral pillow for my bed. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find coral colored stuff? Especially pillows? Well I found one. It's fluffy and flowery and wonderful.
Kaitlyn saw it sitting in the pile of pillows the other day after her nap and insisted that it come up on the bed with her while she watched Nemo. She is such a girl.

My fun pillow pile (phone photo)

On Monday my mom was over helping me organize clothes (more on that later perhaps) and we laid out my duvet cover and pillows to figure out if I needed to take any pillows back. After seeing it all laid out I am SO excited to get it all put together!

Here is my list of things left to do for my bedroom. I have most of the small stuff and just need to do the big things.

• build and finish my bed
• paint the bedroom
• find a duvet that is fluffy enough for me (totally hitting up macy's etc. tonight after dinner)
• possibly paint my dresser. Or just get a white one. 
• do a room switcheroo. Moving closet contents will be a project for sure!
• find (or make) some curtains
• build a new nightstand (because it's easier to build everything at once)

AND I want do have it all done by the end of April. You know... that whole nesting thing. And the fact that it will be much easier to do all of these things when I am not engrossed in those lovely newborn days full of sleeping and eating (for all parties).

Also on my project "short list" (aka want to have it done in the next 6 months) is doing the nursery.
I know newborns don't need a nursery, but I want to work on the room either before the babe is here (to avoid the crazy) or in the few months after when the room doesn't really need to be used as baby will be in our room. Point is, I want it to be done and ready for when we are ready to kick the baby out of our room.

The thought of getting a nursery ready doesn't seem all that big of a deal, but this room... it's a big deal. This "little" project involves board and batten and paint and painting the crib white (I told my sister that we're pretty much going to turn that room into a spray booth, so if there was anything she wanted painted white...{I could totally paint my dresser white!}... bring it on over!) on top of all the little touches. Painting involves either taping off or removing the carpet and at least partially taking down the fan (undecided on if we should replace it or paint it) along with taking everything out of the closet and spraying in there.

AND since Alex and Kait will be sharing a room, I want to get their room done as well. This one is admittedly not a huge priority, but it would sure be nice to have all of my bedrooms done and happy. Then I'd only have the front room to finish up!

Decorating and getting your house to where you want it is such a process!
Currently, my kitchen is the only room that I've put any effort into decorating. We have been here for 1.5 years and I have hung all of eleven (eight of which are plates in my kitchen) things on my walls. Wait, I also randomly hung an iron thing in the bathroom on a nail that was already there because it mostly worked. So twelve things technically.
Decorating this house isn't as easy to decorate as my last house and I think my style is a little bit different. I also bought specific things for our house in TX that I'm just not sure where to put here. Moving is kind of a pain in the butt.

I don't know if my style has changed or if I have just become more picky about what I bring into my house. If I don't love it, I don't want it. I figure it's good common sense. If I don't love something I'll be constantly looking at it and wishing for something I like better. It's better to just save my money and get what I love.

Unfortunately, this also means that I don't like this or that about major pieces and don't want to buy something just because it's close or it will "work". I have to do a lot of searching, and often times in the end decide that the only way to go is to build some pieces (like my bed). The obvious con to this is the time factor. I can't just bring something home and be done. BUT I do get to save money and I get something that I love, which are both wonderful things.

We shall see how the next six months go project wise around here.

Not like we'll be busy with putting in a yard/fence and a newborn on top of being emotional (have I mentioned I'm due 10 days after Isaac and Evan's Angel day? And that Mother's Day and Memorial Day quickly follow that day?) or anything.
Either we have to get the projects done so we can be a little less crazy at a crazy time or we use the projects as yet another distraction.

Either way, I hope that my house will come together a little more in the next 6 months. Even the very slow progress has me quite excited for what's to come!

Some of my Christmas Crafting

If you haven't checked out my crafty blog yet, you should! I've been posting about some of the projects I made for my kids for Christmas. There's even an image file of the road mat I made for Alex, so if you want to make your own it's super easy. Just save the file, project it, and trace! Not like it's that much harder to draw some crazy roads in a paint type program though...

I still have a couple more projects to post (ha and one I actually have to finish first!), but there are at least a few fun ones on there!

Pictures of our Christmas Tree

When we moved to Texas, we somehow lost a box of Christmas stuff. Included in that, were my large and small gold ornaments and my large red ornaments.
We've always been able to survive with the one package of small red ones we had.

The first year in Texas, with a 2 month old baby and a 2 week trip to Utah, we didn't even bother putting the tree up.
The remaining years, including our first year here, we set the tree up in the corner and adorned only the top of the tree with ornaments (gotta love having toddlers), so the one set was adequate.

Last year, I got some red and gold ornaments on clearance after Christmas at Target, so we got to put those up this year. I love the variation of color and sizes! Such a nice change.

I also decided that we are going to have an angel tree in honor of our angel boys. Eventually we'll probably do the 2 tree thing and have the angel tree upstairs and the crazy tree downstairs, but for now, this will be it.

I found these beautiful glass angel wings at Z Gallerie and bought all that they had. I have loved sitting and watching the lights sparkle through the glass wings while thinking about Isaac and Evan. They are absolutely breath taking.

I already have some gold angel wings to add to the tree next year and hope to add even more angels and personalized Isaac and Evan ornaments as the years go by.

Answer that poll over there to the right

I'm just trying to figure out if the layout I have is too wide as I noticed that when I am on my laptop I can't see my background (I can just see where my text is), but I can see it on my desktop. I'm pretty sure it's a monitor issue, but I want to make sure that most people can see the full thing with the background showing on the left and right sides.

Also, if you're using an RSS reader, will you please click over so that you can vote according to what you see when you're actually on my blog page (even though you never are so it doesn't really matter to you)? It would be much appreciated so I can calibrate my page to work the best for everyone.
Thank you!

I saw the Ocular Plastic Surgeon

I get to have surgery!
Like surgery with anesthesia in an OR.
Because a good portion of my mole is under my eyelid, the Dr. said they would take out a substantial portion of my eyelid. He said the mole covered a pretty large surface and would basically be cut out in a triangle shape up to the crease of my eyelid. And then they get to reconstruct all of that. (Really praying that he is superb at the reconstructing. I really don't want my eyelid and lash line to look or feel funny or freaky)
And surgery has to wait until after this baby is born with the anesthesia factor.
And I'm pretty sure that even after meeting our deductible we'll be paying 1-2k additional, so I'm running through our list of things we wanted to do this year and figuring out what we can put off for another year. Again. *sigh*

At least I can't be mad at myself for not having it looked at sooner as it would have had to have been operated on in pretty much a 3 month window between losing Isaac and Evan and getting pregnant again in order to be counted on this year's medical expenses with the deductible already met.
But I can still be mad that if we would have had the boys I wouldn't have been getting pregnant again and could have started the process in September and had it taken care of this year and saved myself a couple thousand dollars. AND I would have had my babies! Bonus!

In the last 8 months I've learned that even though you're dealing with possibly the hardest thing you'll ever have to deal with, it can still get worse. Little things that would be okay to deal with on their own get thrown on top of the big mess you're already struggling to deal with and everything just feels hard and crappy.

It would be nice if life could give us one hard thing at a time to deal with, but it just doesn't ever seem to go that way. And when all of that crap gets piled on and you're overwhelmed with emotion it's hard to see how anything can go right.
For now, I look at the basics of what is going right. It's all I can do right now.  I have 2 sweet kids (most of the time) and a great family. A wonderful husband who loves me in spite of my sadness. We have a house, a good job, 2 working cars, and all of our needs and many of our wants are met. All of us are well.

Just because I use my blog to talk about what I struggle with does not mean that I'm not grateful for what I have or that I don't recognize that my life is still pretty great in the grand scheme of things.

But for right now, at this point in life when I am struggling more than I have ever struggled, I need to talk about how upset things make me. I need to talk about what I struggle with and what makes me sad. I get tired of telling people that I'm good or okay and pretending like life is normal and happy. I don't like having people assume I've had sufficient time to grieve and I'm moving on (especially since I'm pregnant) or that something is wrong with me for feeling the way I do.  Sometimes I just need somewhere that I can let out all of the less than pretty feelings that I don't ever share face to face with people. Somewhere that I can be real about how I feel.
That is why I have a blog. This is my life. This is how I feel, and I want my friends and family to know that I feel these things even though I seem fine most of the time. I share things that I would be perfectly okay with sitting down and and sharing with someone in person. (I reserve the REALLY crappy stuff for my personal blog/journaling). 

I can't apologize for how I feel and shouldn't have put on my fake face here. And I don't have to follow every sad thing I post with something positive about how great everything is despite how I feel and how much I've learned and how blessed I am. I'm just not the kind of person that deals with trials by focusing on the positive. When things go wrong in life, I get upset about it until I can move past it. But big things take time (and sometimes a lot of it) to stop being mad and sad about. I need somewhere to talk about that anger and sadness so that it doesn't stay inside and eat away at me or fester into greater anger. I have to get it out to let it go and I can't just shout it out to no one. I need to feel like I am actually talking to someone. I need the people that care about me to know that I still hurt ant that things make me mad.

I guess all I'm asking in all of this is be understanding of why I feel the way I do. Know that I am trusting my less than pretty thoughts and feelings with you because you are my friends and family (at least I think most of you are anyway). Most of you know me personally and know my heart and what kind of person I am.

I promise I won't be angry forever.

1000 top baby names

Just took a screen shot of this since it was so absolutely sweet to see my boys' names next to each other on the top 1000 boy names list. Even better that they were in the right order. And that Angel is above them.

Another whine from me

I myself am mostly to blame for this one for not getting things taken care of sooner, but it's hard not to say, "well, if I didn't have to pay for another birth this year things would have been fine" and just be mad about it.

Medical bills make me bitter. They remind me that YAY! we met our deductible with only having to pay $1000 to do so and now we're paying 90/10! And then the anger of not having our babies to show for it quickly follows. We don't get a bonus tax deduction at the end of the year to make up for it either and we get the added expense of cemetery fees and a headstone. But HEY! We don't have the added cost of having to raise two babies. Remind me how meeting my deductible is supposed to be a happy thing?

When we found out we were having twins I immediately thought, well since this is going to be a much more expensive birth than we planned, it's a good thing we have nearly enough saved in our HRA to pay our full deductible and then we'll be able to go crazy and get medical stuff done that we've put off. And then we won't have any more births to worry about taking huge chunks out of our HRA, so we can start to build a nice little fund in there over the next few years! Awesome!

And then it was not so awesome.

Since we had met our deductible, we went ahead and got medical stuff done. On the list was the mole on my eyelid that has been there forever, but seemed to have grown in the past few years. This didn't end up getting done until November. The opthamologist couldn't get one portion numb and thus left it and decided we could revisit it in a year or two.
I got a call with the pathology reports on Wednesday  the 28th. My mole is precancerous and the rest of it has to be removed asap by an ocular plastic surgeon since it is on the eyelid and "may need to be reconstructed if he has to go deep to get all of it to ensure that nothing is left to turn into cancer one day".
Eyelid surgery usually requires a more expensive and delicate type of surgery. And an ocular plastic surgeon definitely doesn't sound inexpensive.
And of course, it can't be done before the end of the year in the year where our deductible is already met.

Of course seeing an ocular plastic surgeon and having an expensive surgery all would have been FINE if we had actually had 2 babies with us and were not planning on a baby being born in 2012 and using our full HRA contribution amount for the year for that birth. We have thousands to pay after the contribution amount is used to reach our deductible. So not only do we get to pay thousands this year, we also get to pay thousands next year. YAY.

Of COURSE any price we have to pay is worth not getting cancer/keeping my vision etc. and having a baby, and it could be MUCH worse (I could have to pay for fertility treatments or I could have much higher medical expenses etc.) but that doesn't mean that I can't still be mad about being out yet another few thousand dollars because of something that I wish had never had to happen.

Another "make me cry" quote from Alex

"Mama, I don't want this baby to come too soon and be too little to be alive"

Things I'm Excited About

Little random stuff, but at least things that I can say I'm excited about. I pulled my Beco out of the box today and was excited to try it out with a newborn. I'm a sucker for good baby gear. Pulling that out and having something to be excited about made me want to post about those things. I get sick of feeling sad and depressed and posting sad and depressing things all the time, so I feel like if I find something a little positive then I need to post it.
So here is my little list of happy that I focus on and try to grow as the weeks go by. Thinking about these things is sometimes what gets me through some of my sad moments. 

• Having a normal birthing center birth. My hospital birth experiences are rated at like a -10 right now. 0 for 2 there. 
• My new Beco baby carrier. Okay, all of my baby carriers.
• My Arm's Reach co-sleeper
• Holding a snuggly swaddled baby
• Having the motivation of having a baby to get Kaitlyn's current room finished and switching ours and Alex's room

Not so excited about picking out names. Nothing is really jumping out to us. Would love any suggestions for both boys and girls.
Also not so thrilled about my due date. 10 days after Isaac and Evan's angelversary. I don't know who would be excited about having a baby that close to that momentous one year mark of losing a child when all of those memories come rushing back to you.
*sigh* I'll deal with those things later I suppose.