Letting it Out

Sometimes I just feel like yelling about how much I miss and want my baby boys just so I don't have to keep it inside anymore. It's the same thing I feel like yelling and thus nothing new for anyone, but it makes me feel better.

So tonight, here I am yelling again.
I'm not going to say it's unfair. So many people have hard things to endure as well. I know that this is just life and what we got was just the luck of the draw.
I refuse to believe that God "gives" us trials to either teach us or make us better or whatever. As a parent, I could never willingly give my child something so heartbreaking to endure. I don't imagine my Heavenly Father wanting me to have this kind of pain enough to willingly give it to me.
I believe that pain and suffering are just a part of life that we agreed to, not knowing who would get what. You're lucky if you make it through life without any heartbreak. God is involved in our lives, but not so much as to pick and choose what does or doesn't happen to us.
Anyway, point being I don't have a poor me or why me mentality. But that doesn't mean that I'm not upset by my loss.

Lately my thoughts have been consumed, as they often have been over the past year, over how crazy and miraculous it was that we ended up with identical twins. We had that random act of nature happen when an egg splits into two. No one knows why it happens. It just does. And it's miraculous that two tiny beings are created with virtually the same genetic make up. It is awe inspiring.
The odds of it happening once are amazing enough. The odd of it happening twice are near impossible.
Impossible.

That is the heart of the matter for me.

I was going to have twins and now it's out of the question. For me, a single baby is normal and expected. Twins were a miracle. A once in a lifetime chance. I lost that miracle.

I know that many will argue that any baby is a miracle. I agree. The creation of another human being is truly miraculous. It is.
But I would hope that no one would argue that it is even more miraculous when that single potential human is split into two identical humans.

Imagine going into an ultrasound expecting the standard single baby and discovering that that single baby is actually 2 babies. From a single egg. A once in a lifetime chance that not everyone even gets a chance to have. How would you feel if that happened to you? It's unexpected and thrilling and beyond amazing.

It hurts my heart that we were there. We got to experience that thrill and amazement for what now feels like seconds. I so desperately want to go back and have things be different.  But I can't. So I just have to let out the frustration that I feel so very often.

So I'm yelling. I'm mad that I don't have my boys and all that would have come with them.

And now my disclaimer for all of you people who I feel like just don't get it when I post stuff like this. Please understand that I feel how I feel and I can feel however I need and want to feel. I don't have to feel guilty about my feelings and shouldn't be made to feel guilty by anyone. I don't have any control over how I feel most of the time and feel crazy enough sometimes without other people telling me I am. My feelings are real.  Losing twins, for me, was an extra blow beyond losing a single baby. I don't discount anyone else's feelings or losses. I'm not saying that my loss is worse than any one else's. All I am saying is that for me, I feel like I have more to deal with with losing twins than I would have if I had just lost a single baby. To me, it feels like I was given a miracle that I can never have again and I have every right to be angry/sad/depressed/bitter/upset about that for as long as I need to be. It's not about anyone else- it is about how I feel about my loss.
I don't need anyone to fix my problems for me. I don't even really need help comments. I don't need anyone to be my counselor. I don't want to pretend that everything is wonderful and normal like I do so well in real life.  I just need to let it out and feel like someone is listening. I want my friends to tell me that it's okay and that yes, it does suck and give me a hug. Support. Love. Validation. Empathy. That's what I need my friends/family/blog readers for.