Things that are hard

Holidays. Parties. Family stuff. Doing anything that isn't our day to day routine.
Why?
Because I can't stop thinking about how I should be at each of these things with two babies. That they would be passed around and ooo-ed and aww-ed over and I'd get a break from the craziness of life with 4 kids for just a while.

So when I'm somewhere and don't look like I'm having the greatest time, it's probably because I am thinking about and missing my babies. Oh how I wish they were here.

Things on my mind

Of course I'm thinking about Isaac and Evan since it's night time and quiet. My mind just naturally drifts to them. The other reason why I am thinking about his is that I saw 2 sets of all boy triplets today (one set was about a year old and the other about 2.5-3). It was really weird. How often do you see triplets, let alone in the same day AND all boys?
And on Friday I saw a set of newborn boys at the pediatricians office. I'm sure part of it is me being more aware, but I think I would notice regardless of if I had twins or not.

Today when I saw those triplets I thought about how if I had had my boys with me I would be having a friendly conversation with my fellow parents of multiples. But all I could do was gaze longingly at them... seeing a glimpse of what I would have had and missing it terribly. It's hard for me to see so many other people have their twins (or triplets) when I was not able to keep mine.

I often go back and relive every detail possible of my pregnancy. I had so little time with my boys that those details of my pregnancy and their birth are all that I have. One thing that I love coming back to (although it is another very bittersweet thing as most of it is) is the fact that I didn't realize there were 2 babies.

This is from a board that I post on with a bunch of women I know posted on March 27th (15weeks & 2 days):
"Also, I *think* I feel the baby moving, but I'm not sure. I have a lot of gas bubbles/general uncomfortable-ness, so it's hard to tell. I felt a hard bump way up close to my rib cage today at the top of where my belly is sticking out, but I didn't think that my uterus was that high yet. It was weird."

Little did I know...


Sigh. I wish I could do it all over again and have a second chance at twins. That is one thing that has been really, really hard to try to come to terms with. Losing a baby is hard. Losing 2 babies is hard. But more than the fact that 2 lives were lost is the fact that a once in a lifetime opportunity and experience was lost. I know I've said it over and over again here on the blog, but it is what I struggle with most. It is hard to think of even wanting to have a subsequent pregnancy knowing that it will likely not result in twins.
I know that I was happy to be having a single baby before we knew it was twins, but it's so hard to think that I could be happy with just one now after having the taste of the magic of two. I often wish that I could have just lost a single baby so that my odds for twins were still <1 in 250 (the more pregnancies you have, the greater your odds) and that I could just have them next time. More than anything I'm just sad that we lost Isaac and Evan and I'm not holding them right now. 


And since one of my fellow angel mama just shared it and it pretty much goes with this post perfectly, here's a fabulous song that definitely made me cry.

Gone Too Soon

Today could've been the day
That you blow out your candles
Make a wish as you close your eyes
Today could've been the day
Everybody was laughin'
Instead I just sit here and cry

Who would you be?
What would you look like
When you looked at me for the very first time
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/d/daughtry/gone_too_soon.html ]
Would you have been president?
Or a painter, a author or sing like your mother
One thing is evident
Would've give all I had
Would've loved you like no other

Who would you be?
What would you look like
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah

Not a day goes by, oh
I'm always asking why, oh

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a beautiful life we never knew
Gone too soon
You were gone too soon, yeah

And not a day goes by 
That I don't think of you

Picture Recap

Since posting pictures is easy and I need easy, this is my blog post.

In all honesty, it's weird to post about the little happy things we do when I still feel so sad all the time, thus why I haven't been around.


The other day I was thinking that I could liken losing Isaac and Evan to winning the lottery. It would be like getting the phone call and them letting you know that the money would be in your account in X days/weeks. Life couldn't be more sweet. Your family would be set for life. You wouldn't have to worry about college for your kids. You could take some fantastic vacations. You could buy a new car. You start making plans and dreaming about all the fun things you will do and how perfect life will be.
But just about as you are about to book your dream vacation etc., someone knocks on your door and takes you to a building where you are put into a small room with lawyers. They say that maybe something can be done and make a phone call. You wait in suspense and they come back and say sorry, we can't do anything. You're not getting the money.
All of the dreams come to an end. You have to tell your kids that they don't get to go to disney world. You're back to worrying about college and how you are going to get enough money saved in order to go on that dream vacation one day, knowing that it likely will never happen.

Of course all of that sounds easy to me after experiencing the thrill of twins and then losing every hope of that chance again in this lifetime.

Sorry, I guess I couldn't do a fully happy post after all. But to happy it back up, here's some pictures of our happenings.

One of our favorite things to do this summer was to bring dinner to this park and eat and play. 

We've been doing a lot of eating out as cooking is one of those normal things I'm just having a hard time getting back into. This is Jon and his very loaded pastrami burger (he commandeered my tomato and onion and alex's lettuce)

Kaitlyn loves glasses. My mom got her these ones (the lenses even flip open!) and she was loving them.

We finally pulled our outside toys out for the kids to play with! Looking forward to having more of a flat surface to put them on next year!

We had an enjoyable weekend in Bear Lake with my family and took the kids canoeing. I wouldn't say they loved it, but they liked it well enough.

I went on a big (at least 4 hours) ride with my cousins, uncle, and dad. It was super fun and super dirty!

This is Swan Lake

See? DIRTY! Thank goodness for helmets and goggles!

We were walking down to the park with the kids and found this guy on the road. Alex and Kaitlyn loved being able to see a dragonfly up close. He was BEAUTIFUL!

Kaitlyn usually likes to play with the dirt and the water table. Not a great combination.

Working on our stair railing finally!

In progress...

FINISHED! It is so nice to have this done! We love the open space it's created. Next step will be to take out the carpet in the hall and refinish the old hardwood that is under it. One day...

We've had to start keeping the markers up high. Kaitlyn is a lover of alternative mediums and tries to color on everything. The next day we discovered she had colored on pillows and the couch. Two days ago I looked at my wall by the stairs and discovered new crayon marks on it (I've already washed crayon off the walls twice in the past 3 months). She's not grasping the paper thing quite as well as Alex did at that age...

Kaitlyn loves to do whatever Alex does. She loves trying to ride his scooter and bike, so of course she had to try out his helmet as well. 

On the 15th, we went on a night canoe ride down a very calm river (like no current at  all)  with about 15 other canoes all with pumpkins on the bow and stern. It was fun, but the kids didn't like it as well as the last time we went canoeing (which could have been due to the fact that it was during a time where they would usually be going to sleep). This is our angry bird pumpkin which while it looks like it worked here, I didn't thin the skin enough so the light didn't really shine through anywhere except the parts that were cut out completely. Oh well. 

We went to a pumpkin patch and corn maze for Alex's preschool field trip. Both kids loved doing all the stuff there. I failed to bring snacks/lunch/water, so we left earlier than Alex wanted to- mostly because it was super hot that day and I was dying from heat exhaustion from walking around so much with out water. Lesson learned.

Kait with her pumpkin

Typical.

They had a "corn box" that Alex and Kaitlyn thought was great. (that's not Kaitlyn in the foreground. Just a random kid.)

Since we had to leave earlier than Alex wanted and he had a free pass to come back, we went back a couple of weeks later with Jon. It was one of the most enjoyable Saturdays we have had in a long time. 

Is it even possible to get good pictures of kids? 

Kaitlyn was of course very into walking by herself. We learned to bring snacks and water this time around so we were able to stay for a good long time.

Alex LOVED this huge slide!

I, of course, spent much of my October making mermaid costumes for my Etsy store. This was a plus sized costume that I made. It used LOTS of fabric and was a great learning experience. Both the mom and daughter loved their matching costumes. 

I had a lady request tulle on the open side, so I obliged. I thought it turned out really cute!

Since I needed to find a replacement fabric since the fabric like is shown in the above picture is discontinued, I found this stuff which turned out really cute as well. 

This is a not very effective traffic pattern since it's covered in costume madness.  I am happy to report that I have a much cleaner crafting area now. 

I was finally able to get piggy tails in Kaitlyn's hair. I probably could have done it long ago, but her hair on the outer parts is much shorter than it is in the middle, so it makes it tricky. She had these ones out about 20 minutes later. It may be a hopeless cause. 

Alex turned 5 and was over the moon about his Mario guys. I love that he'll pretend play with these guys instead of playing the Wii! His choice of dinner for his birhday? McDonald's of course. 

Here's Kaitlyn "dressed to the nines". So silly.

We cut down all of the crappy elm tress on our south property line so that we can put a fence up. I can't wait to do a detailed yard progress post as we've had a tractor and landscapers here this week!