Things on my mind

Of course I'm thinking about Isaac and Evan since it's night time and quiet. My mind just naturally drifts to them. The other reason why I am thinking about his is that I saw 2 sets of all boy triplets today (one set was about a year old and the other about 2.5-3). It was really weird. How often do you see triplets, let alone in the same day AND all boys?
And on Friday I saw a set of newborn boys at the pediatricians office. I'm sure part of it is me being more aware, but I think I would notice regardless of if I had twins or not.

Today when I saw those triplets I thought about how if I had had my boys with me I would be having a friendly conversation with my fellow parents of multiples. But all I could do was gaze longingly at them... seeing a glimpse of what I would have had and missing it terribly. It's hard for me to see so many other people have their twins (or triplets) when I was not able to keep mine.

I often go back and relive every detail possible of my pregnancy. I had so little time with my boys that those details of my pregnancy and their birth are all that I have. One thing that I love coming back to (although it is another very bittersweet thing as most of it is) is the fact that I didn't realize there were 2 babies.

This is from a board that I post on with a bunch of women I know posted on March 27th (15weeks & 2 days):
"Also, I *think* I feel the baby moving, but I'm not sure. I have a lot of gas bubbles/general uncomfortable-ness, so it's hard to tell. I felt a hard bump way up close to my rib cage today at the top of where my belly is sticking out, but I didn't think that my uterus was that high yet. It was weird."

Little did I know...


Sigh. I wish I could do it all over again and have a second chance at twins. That is one thing that has been really, really hard to try to come to terms with. Losing a baby is hard. Losing 2 babies is hard. But more than the fact that 2 lives were lost is the fact that a once in a lifetime opportunity and experience was lost. I know I've said it over and over again here on the blog, but it is what I struggle with most. It is hard to think of even wanting to have a subsequent pregnancy knowing that it will likely not result in twins.
I know that I was happy to be having a single baby before we knew it was twins, but it's so hard to think that I could be happy with just one now after having the taste of the magic of two. I often wish that I could have just lost a single baby so that my odds for twins were still <1 in 250 (the more pregnancies you have, the greater your odds) and that I could just have them next time. More than anything I'm just sad that we lost Isaac and Evan and I'm not holding them right now. 


And since one of my fellow angel mama just shared it and it pretty much goes with this post perfectly, here's a fabulous song that definitely made me cry.

Gone Too Soon

Today could've been the day
That you blow out your candles
Make a wish as you close your eyes
Today could've been the day
Everybody was laughin'
Instead I just sit here and cry

Who would you be?
What would you look like
When you looked at me for the very first time
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/d/daughtry/gone_too_soon.html ]
Would you have been president?
Or a painter, a author or sing like your mother
One thing is evident
Would've give all I had
Would've loved you like no other

Who would you be?
What would you look like
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah

Not a day goes by, oh
I'm always asking why, oh

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a beautiful life we never knew
Gone too soon
You were gone too soon, yeah

And not a day goes by 
That I don't think of you