Of things to come and things that are.

I promise, it's all coming.
-getting through that 1 year later day.
-having a baby
-working on our yard
-other house projects
-monthly pictures
-trips and summer fun
-starting kindergarten (because I know I won't have all the above blogged before that day comes)

I have a lot to blog about and just not enough time to do it.

I have a draft going from Isaac and Evan's 1st birthday. I started editing pictures and picking out what ones to include and have most of the text. Honestly though, sometimes more often than not, it's just too hard to go there. It's too hard to open myself up again and let the tears that come with all the thoughts of my sweet boys freely flow. A floodgate of emotion that wears me out and brings me down.
That day... Isaac and Evan and their day and their presence in our family are at the top of the list. Their post has to be done before I can move on.

I feel guilty coming here and posting more of the same that it has been for much of the past year, but I have been feeling more emotional lately and actually feel like letting some out tonight.When the opportunities come to let some of that emotion that has been settling deep inside for too long, I don't like to let them pass by. I'm ready to post about all the happy normal things in life again, so bear with me through yet another not so happy couple of posts.


I miss them more often these days it seems. I feel like I am constantly wishing for what is not here. Wishing for what my life would have been.

One year ago I would have been 36 weeks pregnant. Large. Tired. Excitedly counting down the moments until I would experience that amazing moment of having a baby in each arm. Knowing that at any time in the remaining 4 weeks I would be looking at two identical little humans in wonderment.  Holy awesomeness.

Instead I spent the last year of my life grieving and sad. I lost my twins and a whole life of  unique experiences with them in our family. I also lost my innocently happy self. I wish I could go back to the days where I was blissfully unaware of how painful life can be. If I had Isaac and Evan I wouldn't have had Seattle (that is gray/cloudy/lots of rain with bits of sunshine peeking through in a fabulous city) for that past year of my life.  I sometimes have regrets about the kind of mom I have been/things I have missed and I wish that I didn't have the valid reason to be that way in the first place. I dislike that this experience and all of the "side effects" that come with it are part of my life. I would rather have the twins and the happy thank you.

This year I would be making their birthday invitation and planning an amazing first birthday for two crazy boys and celebrating one year of life with twins down. Instead I am designing an engraved rock to place in the ground to mark where my tiny boys are buried. It all seems so final and permanent. A painful reminder that I don't get any more moments with them. There will be no birthday parties for twin boys.


Having a baby has made me so much more aware of what I am missing. I am so thankful for her, but it's hard not to wish for them as I look at her sleeping and see the two older brothers that are not here with us in her.
I look at her and wish for them. I imagine another baby lying next to her and imagine how life would be like with two giggling babies.
Every time we go somewhere or do something I can't help but think of how it would be doing it with twins.
I carry Addilyn's car seat and imagine carrying two of them. When she cries I think about two crying babies. Every time we put two extra people in the van I think about how we would only have room for one. Lagoon. Bear Lake. Playing outside. Cloth diapers. Sleeping. The nursery and 2 cribs. Room sharing. Vacations. Eating out. Getting in the car. Getting out of the car. Going to the grocery store. Watching Kaitlyn and Alex interact with Addilyn. Driving. Holidays. Family visits. Parks. Church. Going on walks.
Everything.
All would have been done with two. How different it would all be...

My life is changed. I am changed. My heart is full of the conflicting emotions of being happy and sad simultaneously.
Life is not ruined, and in fact it's pretty sweet overall. I have been blessed with all sorts of wonderful.

But despite all the wonderful, at the end of even the most perfect of days (perhaps even more so then), I still go to sleep with an aching heart that is so desperately missing and longing for those two little boys who I didn't get to put to bed that night and who I didn't get to laugh with and love on that day.

I miss them. I wish I could walk in that tiny bedroom right now and watch their almost 1 year old faces peacefully sleeping. What I wouldn't give...