My Creepy Stalker-esque-ness

I pass by a certain house every time I go to drop off/pick up Alex from preschool.

They have a nice big tree in their side yard and under the tree is the cutest turquoise bench paired with yellow and red Adirondack chairs. In the fall, there were cute pillows out on the bench.

The porch has several large painted planting pots on either side of the door- totally empty, just there for colorful decor.

The front window has TONS of paper snowflakes covering the top corners. I had the same idea (but in a layered hanging effect) for my french doors, but didn't ever get around to it.

And today when I drove by there was an ADORABLE pedastool table outside that had just been painted cream.

I have considered writing whoever lives there a letter. At first it was just to find out where she got her bench. But now I want to write her a letter telling her that I want to be her friend. Because all of the cute stuff at her house just make her seem completely fabulous.

So there you have it. Not only do I want to write a complete stranger a letter to ask them where they got their outdoor furniture, I want to send a friendship bracelet as well. I like to think that I am not the only person that sees people/homes as they are out and thinks to themselves, "I really want to be friends with THAT person!"
I'm so creepy.

If only I could snap my fingers...

...and have my time consuming projects done! I don't mind the little things, but I get impatient for the big stuff.

My room makeover is getting closer to coming together and I can hardly stand the wait!

Last Saturday my dad came over and we discussed and planned making my new bed. Super excited about that!

I happened to hit up HomeGoods the other night and found THE perfect coral pillow for my bed. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find coral colored stuff? Especially pillows? Well I found one. It's fluffy and flowery and wonderful.
Kaitlyn saw it sitting in the pile of pillows the other day after her nap and insisted that it come up on the bed with her while she watched Nemo. She is such a girl.

My fun pillow pile (phone photo)

On Monday my mom was over helping me organize clothes (more on that later perhaps) and we laid out my duvet cover and pillows to figure out if I needed to take any pillows back. After seeing it all laid out I am SO excited to get it all put together!

Here is my list of things left to do for my bedroom. I have most of the small stuff and just need to do the big things.

• build and finish my bed
• paint the bedroom
• find a duvet that is fluffy enough for me (totally hitting up macy's etc. tonight after dinner)
• possibly paint my dresser. Or just get a white one. 
• do a room switcheroo. Moving closet contents will be a project for sure!
• find (or make) some curtains
• build a new nightstand (because it's easier to build everything at once)

AND I want do have it all done by the end of April. You know... that whole nesting thing. And the fact that it will be much easier to do all of these things when I am not engrossed in those lovely newborn days full of sleeping and eating (for all parties).

Also on my project "short list" (aka want to have it done in the next 6 months) is doing the nursery.
I know newborns don't need a nursery, but I want to work on the room either before the babe is here (to avoid the crazy) or in the few months after when the room doesn't really need to be used as baby will be in our room. Point is, I want it to be done and ready for when we are ready to kick the baby out of our room.

The thought of getting a nursery ready doesn't seem all that big of a deal, but this room... it's a big deal. This "little" project involves board and batten and paint and painting the crib white (I told my sister that we're pretty much going to turn that room into a spray booth, so if there was anything she wanted painted white...{I could totally paint my dresser white!}... bring it on over!) on top of all the little touches. Painting involves either taping off or removing the carpet and at least partially taking down the fan (undecided on if we should replace it or paint it) along with taking everything out of the closet and spraying in there.

AND since Alex and Kait will be sharing a room, I want to get their room done as well. This one is admittedly not a huge priority, but it would sure be nice to have all of my bedrooms done and happy. Then I'd only have the front room to finish up!

Decorating and getting your house to where you want it is such a process!
Currently, my kitchen is the only room that I've put any effort into decorating. We have been here for 1.5 years and I have hung all of eleven (eight of which are plates in my kitchen) things on my walls. Wait, I also randomly hung an iron thing in the bathroom on a nail that was already there because it mostly worked. So twelve things technically.
Decorating this house isn't as easy to decorate as my last house and I think my style is a little bit different. I also bought specific things for our house in TX that I'm just not sure where to put here. Moving is kind of a pain in the butt.

I don't know if my style has changed or if I have just become more picky about what I bring into my house. If I don't love it, I don't want it. I figure it's good common sense. If I don't love something I'll be constantly looking at it and wishing for something I like better. It's better to just save my money and get what I love.

Unfortunately, this also means that I don't like this or that about major pieces and don't want to buy something just because it's close or it will "work". I have to do a lot of searching, and often times in the end decide that the only way to go is to build some pieces (like my bed). The obvious con to this is the time factor. I can't just bring something home and be done. BUT I do get to save money and I get something that I love, which are both wonderful things.

We shall see how the next six months go project wise around here.

Not like we'll be busy with putting in a yard/fence and a newborn on top of being emotional (have I mentioned I'm due 10 days after Isaac and Evan's Angel day? And that Mother's Day and Memorial Day quickly follow that day?) or anything.
Either we have to get the projects done so we can be a little less crazy at a crazy time or we use the projects as yet another distraction.

Either way, I hope that my house will come together a little more in the next 6 months. Even the very slow progress has me quite excited for what's to come!

Some of my Christmas Crafting

If you haven't checked out my crafty blog yet, you should! I've been posting about some of the projects I made for my kids for Christmas. There's even an image file of the road mat I made for Alex, so if you want to make your own it's super easy. Just save the file, project it, and trace! Not like it's that much harder to draw some crazy roads in a paint type program though...

I still have a couple more projects to post (ha and one I actually have to finish first!), but there are at least a few fun ones on there!

Pictures of our Christmas Tree

When we moved to Texas, we somehow lost a box of Christmas stuff. Included in that, were my large and small gold ornaments and my large red ornaments.
We've always been able to survive with the one package of small red ones we had.

The first year in Texas, with a 2 month old baby and a 2 week trip to Utah, we didn't even bother putting the tree up.
The remaining years, including our first year here, we set the tree up in the corner and adorned only the top of the tree with ornaments (gotta love having toddlers), so the one set was adequate.

Last year, I got some red and gold ornaments on clearance after Christmas at Target, so we got to put those up this year. I love the variation of color and sizes! Such a nice change.

I also decided that we are going to have an angel tree in honor of our angel boys. Eventually we'll probably do the 2 tree thing and have the angel tree upstairs and the crazy tree downstairs, but for now, this will be it.

I found these beautiful glass angel wings at Z Gallerie and bought all that they had. I have loved sitting and watching the lights sparkle through the glass wings while thinking about Isaac and Evan. They are absolutely breath taking.

I already have some gold angel wings to add to the tree next year and hope to add even more angels and personalized Isaac and Evan ornaments as the years go by.

Answer that poll over there to the right

I'm just trying to figure out if the layout I have is too wide as I noticed that when I am on my laptop I can't see my background (I can just see where my text is), but I can see it on my desktop. I'm pretty sure it's a monitor issue, but I want to make sure that most people can see the full thing with the background showing on the left and right sides.

Also, if you're using an RSS reader, will you please click over so that you can vote according to what you see when you're actually on my blog page (even though you never are so it doesn't really matter to you)? It would be much appreciated so I can calibrate my page to work the best for everyone.
Thank you!

I saw the Ocular Plastic Surgeon

I get to have surgery!
Like surgery with anesthesia in an OR.
Because a good portion of my mole is under my eyelid, the Dr. said they would take out a substantial portion of my eyelid. He said the mole covered a pretty large surface and would basically be cut out in a triangle shape up to the crease of my eyelid. And then they get to reconstruct all of that. (Really praying that he is superb at the reconstructing. I really don't want my eyelid and lash line to look or feel funny or freaky)
And surgery has to wait until after this baby is born with the anesthesia factor.
And I'm pretty sure that even after meeting our deductible we'll be paying 1-2k additional, so I'm running through our list of things we wanted to do this year and figuring out what we can put off for another year. Again. *sigh*

At least I can't be mad at myself for not having it looked at sooner as it would have had to have been operated on in pretty much a 3 month window between losing Isaac and Evan and getting pregnant again in order to be counted on this year's medical expenses with the deductible already met.
But I can still be mad that if we would have had the boys I wouldn't have been getting pregnant again and could have started the process in September and had it taken care of this year and saved myself a couple thousand dollars. AND I would have had my babies! Bonus!

In the last 8 months I've learned that even though you're dealing with possibly the hardest thing you'll ever have to deal with, it can still get worse. Little things that would be okay to deal with on their own get thrown on top of the big mess you're already struggling to deal with and everything just feels hard and crappy.

It would be nice if life could give us one hard thing at a time to deal with, but it just doesn't ever seem to go that way. And when all of that crap gets piled on and you're overwhelmed with emotion it's hard to see how anything can go right.
For now, I look at the basics of what is going right. It's all I can do right now.  I have 2 sweet kids (most of the time) and a great family. A wonderful husband who loves me in spite of my sadness. We have a house, a good job, 2 working cars, and all of our needs and many of our wants are met. All of us are well.

Just because I use my blog to talk about what I struggle with does not mean that I'm not grateful for what I have or that I don't recognize that my life is still pretty great in the grand scheme of things.

But for right now, at this point in life when I am struggling more than I have ever struggled, I need to talk about how upset things make me. I need to talk about what I struggle with and what makes me sad. I get tired of telling people that I'm good or okay and pretending like life is normal and happy. I don't like having people assume I've had sufficient time to grieve and I'm moving on (especially since I'm pregnant) or that something is wrong with me for feeling the way I do.  Sometimes I just need somewhere that I can let out all of the less than pretty feelings that I don't ever share face to face with people. Somewhere that I can be real about how I feel.
That is why I have a blog. This is my life. This is how I feel, and I want my friends and family to know that I feel these things even though I seem fine most of the time. I share things that I would be perfectly okay with sitting down and and sharing with someone in person. (I reserve the REALLY crappy stuff for my personal blog/journaling). 

I can't apologize for how I feel and shouldn't have put on my fake face here. And I don't have to follow every sad thing I post with something positive about how great everything is despite how I feel and how much I've learned and how blessed I am. I'm just not the kind of person that deals with trials by focusing on the positive. When things go wrong in life, I get upset about it until I can move past it. But big things take time (and sometimes a lot of it) to stop being mad and sad about. I need somewhere to talk about that anger and sadness so that it doesn't stay inside and eat away at me or fester into greater anger. I have to get it out to let it go and I can't just shout it out to no one. I need to feel like I am actually talking to someone. I need the people that care about me to know that I still hurt ant that things make me mad.

I guess all I'm asking in all of this is be understanding of why I feel the way I do. Know that I am trusting my less than pretty thoughts and feelings with you because you are my friends and family (at least I think most of you are anyway). Most of you know me personally and know my heart and what kind of person I am.

I promise I won't be angry forever.