April 22nd. 1 year later.

1 year ago today we found ourselves on a crazy ride that made our heads spin. No one ever expects it will be them that actually has twins. I certainly never thought it would happen to me.
But it did. Those following 6 days after seeing two little boys up on the screen were some of the happiest of my life. I was so excited to be having twin boys and that our little family was going to be complete with them. I was excited for the new adventure and different experience of being pregnant with and parenting twins. Life could not have been more perfect.

Here is my post from one year ago. 

Walk to Remember

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.
October 15th is the designated day for pregnancy and infant loss.

We went to an annual Walk to Remember. The theme is, "We walk to remember the steps they will never take".
They do a little program and then everyone picks up a balloon to honor their baby/babies and we walk around a park in honor of our children. We then read off each babies name and each family releases their child's balloon.

It was a very tender experience for us. It is heartbreaking to be there and see SO many balloons and people. Everyone of those people there have felt those same feelings of sadness and loss that we feel.

This will be a yearly tradition for our family as another thing that we can do to remember Isaac and Evan and the all too short of a time they were here with us.
We miss them every day and  a piece of my heart and self left with them. I don't think that ever gets fixed. I don't think we'll ever stop missing them and wishing they were here and wondering about them and how life would be with them.

Pictures of our Christmas Tree

When we moved to Texas, we somehow lost a box of Christmas stuff. Included in that, were my large and small gold ornaments and my large red ornaments.
We've always been able to survive with the one package of small red ones we had.

The first year in Texas, with a 2 month old baby and a 2 week trip to Utah, we didn't even bother putting the tree up.
The remaining years, including our first year here, we set the tree up in the corner and adorned only the top of the tree with ornaments (gotta love having toddlers), so the one set was adequate.

Last year, I got some red and gold ornaments on clearance after Christmas at Target, so we got to put those up this year. I love the variation of color and sizes! Such a nice change.

I also decided that we are going to have an angel tree in honor of our angel boys. Eventually we'll probably do the 2 tree thing and have the angel tree upstairs and the crazy tree downstairs, but for now, this will be it.

I found these beautiful glass angel wings at Z Gallerie and bought all that they had. I have loved sitting and watching the lights sparkle through the glass wings while thinking about Isaac and Evan. They are absolutely breath taking.

I already have some gold angel wings to add to the tree next year and hope to add even more angels and personalized Isaac and Evan ornaments as the years go by.

May 8th.

20 weeks. 2 days. Bittersweet.

Bittersweet is a word that I have used more in the last 8 months than I have ever used in my life. Admittedly, I feel mostly the bitter. The sweet is there, it's just harder to feel.

This pregnancy has brought with it a lot of emotion. While I am thankful that I am having a baby, I still feel so much hurt.  I feel angry that I even have to be pregnant since I should have been done and holding 2 boys by now. I'm upset with the timing and that my perfect planning was ruined. I'm resentful that I don't get to have twins. I'm furious that the one pregnancy that can never be replicated is the one pregnancy that I had a random complication in.

So far, I take it one day at a time. I wish I were more excited, but I'm just not emotionally there. My life is changed. Nothing is as lighthearted and fun as it used to be because I can't stop thinking about how my life would have been without this dark pain that has tainted me forever.
I still miss my boys and the rare opportunity of having twins that was lost every day. That hole in my heart is still gaping with no sign of it getting smaller. Learning to live with that ever present ache while trying to get used to the idea of a single baby is hard and I suspect it will be for some time. I know I will love this baby and he or she will fill a hole meant for them, but this baby doesn't come without the stipulation that it would not be here if Isaac and Evan were. Admittedly, I would take them (and not having the pain of loss in my life) over this baby every day if I could.

So, I made this tonight

Kind of therapeutic to see those words (I pulled them from the letter I wrote to Isaac and Evan). I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Things that are hard

Holidays. Parties. Family stuff. Doing anything that isn't our day to day routine.
Why?
Because I can't stop thinking about how I should be at each of these things with two babies. That they would be passed around and ooo-ed and aww-ed over and I'd get a break from the craziness of life with 4 kids for just a while.

So when I'm somewhere and don't look like I'm having the greatest time, it's probably because I am thinking about and missing my babies. Oh how I wish they were here.