May 8th.

20 weeks. 2 days. Bittersweet.

Bittersweet is a word that I have used more in the last 8 months than I have ever used in my life. Admittedly, I feel mostly the bitter. The sweet is there, it's just harder to feel.

This pregnancy has brought with it a lot of emotion. While I am thankful that I am having a baby, I still feel so much hurt.  I feel angry that I even have to be pregnant since I should have been done and holding 2 boys by now. I'm upset with the timing and that my perfect planning was ruined. I'm resentful that I don't get to have twins. I'm furious that the one pregnancy that can never be replicated is the one pregnancy that I had a random complication in.

So far, I take it one day at a time. I wish I were more excited, but I'm just not emotionally there. My life is changed. Nothing is as lighthearted and fun as it used to be because I can't stop thinking about how my life would have been without this dark pain that has tainted me forever.
I still miss my boys and the rare opportunity of having twins that was lost every day. That hole in my heart is still gaping with no sign of it getting smaller. Learning to live with that ever present ache while trying to get used to the idea of a single baby is hard and I suspect it will be for some time. I know I will love this baby and he or she will fill a hole meant for them, but this baby doesn't come without the stipulation that it would not be here if Isaac and Evan were. Admittedly, I would take them (and not having the pain of loss in my life) over this baby every day if I could.