1000 top baby names

Just took a screen shot of this since it was so absolutely sweet to see my boys' names next to each other on the top 1000 boy names list. Even better that they were in the right order. And that Angel is above them.

Another whine from me

I myself am mostly to blame for this one for not getting things taken care of sooner, but it's hard not to say, "well, if I didn't have to pay for another birth this year things would have been fine" and just be mad about it.

Medical bills make me bitter. They remind me that YAY! we met our deductible with only having to pay $1000 to do so and now we're paying 90/10! And then the anger of not having our babies to show for it quickly follows. We don't get a bonus tax deduction at the end of the year to make up for it either and we get the added expense of cemetery fees and a headstone. But HEY! We don't have the added cost of having to raise two babies. Remind me how meeting my deductible is supposed to be a happy thing?

When we found out we were having twins I immediately thought, well since this is going to be a much more expensive birth than we planned, it's a good thing we have nearly enough saved in our HRA to pay our full deductible and then we'll be able to go crazy and get medical stuff done that we've put off. And then we won't have any more births to worry about taking huge chunks out of our HRA, so we can start to build a nice little fund in there over the next few years! Awesome!

And then it was not so awesome.

Since we had met our deductible, we went ahead and got medical stuff done. On the list was the mole on my eyelid that has been there forever, but seemed to have grown in the past few years. This didn't end up getting done until November. The opthamologist couldn't get one portion numb and thus left it and decided we could revisit it in a year or two.
I got a call with the pathology reports on Wednesday  the 28th. My mole is precancerous and the rest of it has to be removed asap by an ocular plastic surgeon since it is on the eyelid and "may need to be reconstructed if he has to go deep to get all of it to ensure that nothing is left to turn into cancer one day".
Eyelid surgery usually requires a more expensive and delicate type of surgery. And an ocular plastic surgeon definitely doesn't sound inexpensive.
And of course, it can't be done before the end of the year in the year where our deductible is already met.

Of course seeing an ocular plastic surgeon and having an expensive surgery all would have been FINE if we had actually had 2 babies with us and were not planning on a baby being born in 2012 and using our full HRA contribution amount for the year for that birth. We have thousands to pay after the contribution amount is used to reach our deductible. So not only do we get to pay thousands this year, we also get to pay thousands next year. YAY.

Of COURSE any price we have to pay is worth not getting cancer/keeping my vision etc. and having a baby, and it could be MUCH worse (I could have to pay for fertility treatments or I could have much higher medical expenses etc.) but that doesn't mean that I can't still be mad about being out yet another few thousand dollars because of something that I wish had never had to happen.

Another "make me cry" quote from Alex

"Mama, I don't want this baby to come too soon and be too little to be alive"

Things I'm Excited About

Little random stuff, but at least things that I can say I'm excited about. I pulled my Beco out of the box today and was excited to try it out with a newborn. I'm a sucker for good baby gear. Pulling that out and having something to be excited about made me want to post about those things. I get sick of feeling sad and depressed and posting sad and depressing things all the time, so I feel like if I find something a little positive then I need to post it.
So here is my little list of happy that I focus on and try to grow as the weeks go by. Thinking about these things is sometimes what gets me through some of my sad moments. 

• Having a normal birthing center birth. My hospital birth experiences are rated at like a -10 right now. 0 for 2 there. 
• My new Beco baby carrier. Okay, all of my baby carriers.
• My Arm's Reach co-sleeper
• Holding a snuggly swaddled baby
• Having the motivation of having a baby to get Kaitlyn's current room finished and switching ours and Alex's room

Not so excited about picking out names. Nothing is really jumping out to us. Would love any suggestions for both boys and girls.
Also not so thrilled about my due date. 10 days after Isaac and Evan's angelversary. I don't know who would be excited about having a baby that close to that momentous one year mark of losing a child when all of those memories come rushing back to you.
*sigh* I'll deal with those things later I suppose.

May 8th.

20 weeks. 2 days. Bittersweet.

Bittersweet is a word that I have used more in the last 8 months than I have ever used in my life. Admittedly, I feel mostly the bitter. The sweet is there, it's just harder to feel.

This pregnancy has brought with it a lot of emotion. While I am thankful that I am having a baby, I still feel so much hurt.  I feel angry that I even have to be pregnant since I should have been done and holding 2 boys by now. I'm upset with the timing and that my perfect planning was ruined. I'm resentful that I don't get to have twins. I'm furious that the one pregnancy that can never be replicated is the one pregnancy that I had a random complication in.

So far, I take it one day at a time. I wish I were more excited, but I'm just not emotionally there. My life is changed. Nothing is as lighthearted and fun as it used to be because I can't stop thinking about how my life would have been without this dark pain that has tainted me forever.
I still miss my boys and the rare opportunity of having twins that was lost every day. That hole in my heart is still gaping with no sign of it getting smaller. Learning to live with that ever present ache while trying to get used to the idea of a single baby is hard and I suspect it will be for some time. I know I will love this baby and he or she will fill a hole meant for them, but this baby doesn't come without the stipulation that it would not be here if Isaac and Evan were. Admittedly, I would take them (and not having the pain of loss in my life) over this baby every day if I could.

So, I made this tonight

Kind of therapeutic to see those words (I pulled them from the letter I wrote to Isaac and Evan). I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Updated

Well I finally sat down and figured out how to add a background to my blog! I meant to do it years ago, but never took the time to do it.
Speaking of years ago, the last picture that was on there was from a photo session when Alex was about 18 months old I want to say. We've needed an updated picture up there for a LONG time. Now all six of us are up there. That makes me happy. And a little sad. (What else is new?)
I think I need to adjust the size of that background pattern a little so that it's a slightly larger scale (yes? no?), but I just don't feel like doing that right now. Maybe in another 4 years. :)

For those wondering, all of the prints for my header and background came from DeniseZavagno in her FrenchLinens kit which was created for a challenge on Little Dreamer Designs quite some time ago.

Also, you should check out my Swampy blog, which is where I will be posting most of my crafty stuff. I also designed my own header and background there (minus the bracket and the font of course) by playing with the graphic I made for my store. I'm undecided about the scale of the background there as well... what do you think?

For that blog, I need to get some dazzling pictures of my advent calender taken and posted. And then I need to get going on all of my other Christmas crafty projects (aka gifts for my children!) and post those. Oh Motivation, where have you gone? Oh that's right- my mom has been out of town for a week.

Part of our lives

The other day we were driving to the grocery store and passed the cemetery on the way. It both warmed my heart and brought tears to my eyes to hear Alex exclaim, "Hey! That's where Isaac and Evan are!"

There isn't anything exciting to me that that is where my babies are, but it was exciting to him to recognize the place where his brothers are.