I saw the Ocular Plastic Surgeon

I get to have surgery!
Like surgery with anesthesia in an OR.
Because a good portion of my mole is under my eyelid, the Dr. said they would take out a substantial portion of my eyelid. He said the mole covered a pretty large surface and would basically be cut out in a triangle shape up to the crease of my eyelid. And then they get to reconstruct all of that. (Really praying that he is superb at the reconstructing. I really don't want my eyelid and lash line to look or feel funny or freaky)
And surgery has to wait until after this baby is born with the anesthesia factor.
And I'm pretty sure that even after meeting our deductible we'll be paying 1-2k additional, so I'm running through our list of things we wanted to do this year and figuring out what we can put off for another year. Again. *sigh*

At least I can't be mad at myself for not having it looked at sooner as it would have had to have been operated on in pretty much a 3 month window between losing Isaac and Evan and getting pregnant again in order to be counted on this year's medical expenses with the deductible already met.
But I can still be mad that if we would have had the boys I wouldn't have been getting pregnant again and could have started the process in September and had it taken care of this year and saved myself a couple thousand dollars. AND I would have had my babies! Bonus!

In the last 8 months I've learned that even though you're dealing with possibly the hardest thing you'll ever have to deal with, it can still get worse. Little things that would be okay to deal with on their own get thrown on top of the big mess you're already struggling to deal with and everything just feels hard and crappy.

It would be nice if life could give us one hard thing at a time to deal with, but it just doesn't ever seem to go that way. And when all of that crap gets piled on and you're overwhelmed with emotion it's hard to see how anything can go right.
For now, I look at the basics of what is going right. It's all I can do right now.  I have 2 sweet kids (most of the time) and a great family. A wonderful husband who loves me in spite of my sadness. We have a house, a good job, 2 working cars, and all of our needs and many of our wants are met. All of us are well.

Just because I use my blog to talk about what I struggle with does not mean that I'm not grateful for what I have or that I don't recognize that my life is still pretty great in the grand scheme of things.

But for right now, at this point in life when I am struggling more than I have ever struggled, I need to talk about how upset things make me. I need to talk about what I struggle with and what makes me sad. I get tired of telling people that I'm good or okay and pretending like life is normal and happy. I don't like having people assume I've had sufficient time to grieve and I'm moving on (especially since I'm pregnant) or that something is wrong with me for feeling the way I do.  Sometimes I just need somewhere that I can let out all of the less than pretty feelings that I don't ever share face to face with people. Somewhere that I can be real about how I feel.
That is why I have a blog. This is my life. This is how I feel, and I want my friends and family to know that I feel these things even though I seem fine most of the time. I share things that I would be perfectly okay with sitting down and and sharing with someone in person. (I reserve the REALLY crappy stuff for my personal blog/journaling). 

I can't apologize for how I feel and shouldn't have put on my fake face here. And I don't have to follow every sad thing I post with something positive about how great everything is despite how I feel and how much I've learned and how blessed I am. I'm just not the kind of person that deals with trials by focusing on the positive. When things go wrong in life, I get upset about it until I can move past it. But big things take time (and sometimes a lot of it) to stop being mad and sad about. I need somewhere to talk about that anger and sadness so that it doesn't stay inside and eat away at me or fester into greater anger. I have to get it out to let it go and I can't just shout it out to no one. I need to feel like I am actually talking to someone. I need the people that care about me to know that I still hurt ant that things make me mad.

I guess all I'm asking in all of this is be understanding of why I feel the way I do. Know that I am trusting my less than pretty thoughts and feelings with you because you are my friends and family (at least I think most of you are anyway). Most of you know me personally and know my heart and what kind of person I am.

I promise I won't be angry forever.