Late nights and sad blogs

If it's not Downton Abbey keeping me up until 2 am, it's reading sad blogs and crying.

Reading about other people who lose a child even without ever experiencing a loss of your own child will make you sob. After losing a child, reading your feelings typed out by someone else who is there makes it so much more personal and touching. All of the feelings you have inside are right there on the screen in front of you, only you didn't have to type them out.

This is a club I wish no one had to be in. I wish I had more grace to tell people how much I've learned and how much peace I've felt, but I can't. It still hurts. My heart still aches.

As I've been thinking about how life will be with this baby and not having Isaac and Evan here, I've been worried. I'm worried for me and how I will handle it emotionally. Will I be able to look at that sweet face and not feel sadness over what I'm missing? I'm worried for my kids and that Isaac and Evan will become a distant memory, especially with the presence of a new baby. Will my pregnancy with Isaac and Evan, their birth, and the subsequent pregnancy and birth of this baby run into one long memory for them with this baby obviously holding more weight in their mind as it will be the end result?
I'm worried about how to include Isaac and Evan in our children's lives and how to make their brothers real to them. Especially with Kaitlyn who was so young and future children who never experienced their actual existence like Alex and Kaitlyn did.

The whole thing is hard! It makes me sad when I think about how Isaac and Evan should be here. That Alex and Kaitlyn should be right there with them experiencing life and making their own memories of their twin brothers. I hate that we don't get to experience life together as a family here on earth and that we are left with a hole where Isaac and Evan fit so perfectly.

I hate having to tell people or have people assume that this is my 3rd child. It seems so strange to be having my third child after being so prepared and excited in those few days to be the mother of four.
And now, I'm suddenly a mother of five children. And yet, if I tell people that this is my 5th child I am met with an incredulous look and more questions. Surely I can't have five children at my age! But I do. And every time someone asks me what number baby this is I'm left wondering what to say. By saying 5, no one will just leave that alone and I have to tell them that I have twin boys that were born too early to survive last year. Answering with three avoids further questions and I don't have to mention Isaac and Evan not being here, but it always leaves me feeling sad and conflicted and like I am not acknowledging the existence of my boys. Like they don't have a place in our family. Yes, I battle this every time I am asked about my children and what number this baby is. And for the record, you get asked how many kids you have/what number this baby will be a LOT when you are pregnant.

It was nice to read this on Ashley's blog, whose little girl, Preslee died after falling into a canal in 2010 when she was 18 months old.

"At first when I would look down and see glimpses of Preslee in Ledger it was difficult. Even as incredibly happy as I was, it hurt. I so desperately want my kids to know each other and have a relationship. I want something different other than explaining to Ledger who his sister is through a picture or a headstone in the future. I'm already tired of strangers assuming Ledger is my oldest, or other moms making comments like, "One day when you have a girl..." I don't know how to handle these situations. Sometimes I tell them about Preslee and then they get that mortified look on their face and it instantly becomes incredibly awkward. Sometimes they immediately begin drilling me with questions, and I see the judgment in their eyes when they hear the word "drowning." Sometimes I stay quiet and just smile, but it bugs me afterward that I allowed that person to think she never existed. I still haven't figured out how to answer people." 


I don't know what life will be like in 2 short months. For now I still just get by day by day. I try to find peace and acceptance so that I am prepared for those emotional moments that will surely come after the arrival of this baby. It is an incredibly conflicting place to be in. Despite the sweetness and happiness this baby will surely bring, with it will also come pain and sadness over what is missing.