Things that are hard

Holidays. Parties. Family stuff. Doing anything that isn't our day to day routine.
Why?
Because I can't stop thinking about how I should be at each of these things with two babies. That they would be passed around and ooo-ed and aww-ed over and I'd get a break from the craziness of life with 4 kids for just a while.

So when I'm somewhere and don't look like I'm having the greatest time, it's probably because I am thinking about and missing my babies. Oh how I wish they were here.

Things on my mind

Of course I'm thinking about Isaac and Evan since it's night time and quiet. My mind just naturally drifts to them. The other reason why I am thinking about his is that I saw 2 sets of all boy triplets today (one set was about a year old and the other about 2.5-3). It was really weird. How often do you see triplets, let alone in the same day AND all boys?
And on Friday I saw a set of newborn boys at the pediatricians office. I'm sure part of it is me being more aware, but I think I would notice regardless of if I had twins or not.

Today when I saw those triplets I thought about how if I had had my boys with me I would be having a friendly conversation with my fellow parents of multiples. But all I could do was gaze longingly at them... seeing a glimpse of what I would have had and missing it terribly. It's hard for me to see so many other people have their twins (or triplets) when I was not able to keep mine.

I often go back and relive every detail possible of my pregnancy. I had so little time with my boys that those details of my pregnancy and their birth are all that I have. One thing that I love coming back to (although it is another very bittersweet thing as most of it is) is the fact that I didn't realize there were 2 babies.

This is from a board that I post on with a bunch of women I know posted on March 27th (15weeks & 2 days):
"Also, I *think* I feel the baby moving, but I'm not sure. I have a lot of gas bubbles/general uncomfortable-ness, so it's hard to tell. I felt a hard bump way up close to my rib cage today at the top of where my belly is sticking out, but I didn't think that my uterus was that high yet. It was weird."

Little did I know...


Sigh. I wish I could do it all over again and have a second chance at twins. That is one thing that has been really, really hard to try to come to terms with. Losing a baby is hard. Losing 2 babies is hard. But more than the fact that 2 lives were lost is the fact that a once in a lifetime opportunity and experience was lost. I know I've said it over and over again here on the blog, but it is what I struggle with most. It is hard to think of even wanting to have a subsequent pregnancy knowing that it will likely not result in twins.
I know that I was happy to be having a single baby before we knew it was twins, but it's so hard to think that I could be happy with just one now after having the taste of the magic of two. I often wish that I could have just lost a single baby so that my odds for twins were still <1 in 250 (the more pregnancies you have, the greater your odds) and that I could just have them next time. More than anything I'm just sad that we lost Isaac and Evan and I'm not holding them right now. 


And since one of my fellow angel mama just shared it and it pretty much goes with this post perfectly, here's a fabulous song that definitely made me cry.

Gone Too Soon

Today could've been the day
That you blow out your candles
Make a wish as you close your eyes
Today could've been the day
Everybody was laughin'
Instead I just sit here and cry

Who would you be?
What would you look like
When you looked at me for the very first time
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/d/daughtry/gone_too_soon.html ]
Would you have been president?
Or a painter, a author or sing like your mother
One thing is evident
Would've give all I had
Would've loved you like no other

Who would you be?
What would you look like
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah

Not a day goes by, oh
I'm always asking why, oh

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a beautiful life we never knew
Gone too soon
You were gone too soon, yeah

And not a day goes by 
That I don't think of you

Picture Recap

Since posting pictures is easy and I need easy, this is my blog post.

In all honesty, it's weird to post about the little happy things we do when I still feel so sad all the time, thus why I haven't been around.


The other day I was thinking that I could liken losing Isaac and Evan to winning the lottery. It would be like getting the phone call and them letting you know that the money would be in your account in X days/weeks. Life couldn't be more sweet. Your family would be set for life. You wouldn't have to worry about college for your kids. You could take some fantastic vacations. You could buy a new car. You start making plans and dreaming about all the fun things you will do and how perfect life will be.
But just about as you are about to book your dream vacation etc., someone knocks on your door and takes you to a building where you are put into a small room with lawyers. They say that maybe something can be done and make a phone call. You wait in suspense and they come back and say sorry, we can't do anything. You're not getting the money.
All of the dreams come to an end. You have to tell your kids that they don't get to go to disney world. You're back to worrying about college and how you are going to get enough money saved in order to go on that dream vacation one day, knowing that it likely will never happen.

Of course all of that sounds easy to me after experiencing the thrill of twins and then losing every hope of that chance again in this lifetime.

Sorry, I guess I couldn't do a fully happy post after all. But to happy it back up, here's some pictures of our happenings.

One of our favorite things to do this summer was to bring dinner to this park and eat and play. 

We've been doing a lot of eating out as cooking is one of those normal things I'm just having a hard time getting back into. This is Jon and his very loaded pastrami burger (he commandeered my tomato and onion and alex's lettuce)

Kaitlyn loves glasses. My mom got her these ones (the lenses even flip open!) and she was loving them.

We finally pulled our outside toys out for the kids to play with! Looking forward to having more of a flat surface to put them on next year!

We had an enjoyable weekend in Bear Lake with my family and took the kids canoeing. I wouldn't say they loved it, but they liked it well enough.

I went on a big (at least 4 hours) ride with my cousins, uncle, and dad. It was super fun and super dirty!

This is Swan Lake

See? DIRTY! Thank goodness for helmets and goggles!

We were walking down to the park with the kids and found this guy on the road. Alex and Kaitlyn loved being able to see a dragonfly up close. He was BEAUTIFUL!

Kaitlyn usually likes to play with the dirt and the water table. Not a great combination.

Working on our stair railing finally!

In progress...

FINISHED! It is so nice to have this done! We love the open space it's created. Next step will be to take out the carpet in the hall and refinish the old hardwood that is under it. One day...

We've had to start keeping the markers up high. Kaitlyn is a lover of alternative mediums and tries to color on everything. The next day we discovered she had colored on pillows and the couch. Two days ago I looked at my wall by the stairs and discovered new crayon marks on it (I've already washed crayon off the walls twice in the past 3 months). She's not grasping the paper thing quite as well as Alex did at that age...

Kaitlyn loves to do whatever Alex does. She loves trying to ride his scooter and bike, so of course she had to try out his helmet as well. 

On the 15th, we went on a night canoe ride down a very calm river (like no current at  all)  with about 15 other canoes all with pumpkins on the bow and stern. It was fun, but the kids didn't like it as well as the last time we went canoeing (which could have been due to the fact that it was during a time where they would usually be going to sleep). This is our angry bird pumpkin which while it looks like it worked here, I didn't thin the skin enough so the light didn't really shine through anywhere except the parts that were cut out completely. Oh well. 

We went to a pumpkin patch and corn maze for Alex's preschool field trip. Both kids loved doing all the stuff there. I failed to bring snacks/lunch/water, so we left earlier than Alex wanted to- mostly because it was super hot that day and I was dying from heat exhaustion from walking around so much with out water. Lesson learned.

Kait with her pumpkin

Typical.

They had a "corn box" that Alex and Kaitlyn thought was great. (that's not Kaitlyn in the foreground. Just a random kid.)

Since we had to leave earlier than Alex wanted and he had a free pass to come back, we went back a couple of weeks later with Jon. It was one of the most enjoyable Saturdays we have had in a long time. 

Is it even possible to get good pictures of kids? 

Kaitlyn was of course very into walking by herself. We learned to bring snacks and water this time around so we were able to stay for a good long time.

Alex LOVED this huge slide!

I, of course, spent much of my October making mermaid costumes for my Etsy store. This was a plus sized costume that I made. It used LOTS of fabric and was a great learning experience. Both the mom and daughter loved their matching costumes. 

I had a lady request tulle on the open side, so I obliged. I thought it turned out really cute!

Since I needed to find a replacement fabric since the fabric like is shown in the above picture is discontinued, I found this stuff which turned out really cute as well. 

This is a not very effective traffic pattern since it's covered in costume madness.  I am happy to report that I have a much cleaner crafting area now. 

I was finally able to get piggy tails in Kaitlyn's hair. I probably could have done it long ago, but her hair on the outer parts is much shorter than it is in the middle, so it makes it tricky. She had these ones out about 20 minutes later. It may be a hopeless cause. 

Alex turned 5 and was over the moon about his Mario guys. I love that he'll pretend play with these guys instead of playing the Wii! His choice of dinner for his birhday? McDonald's of course. 

Here's Kaitlyn "dressed to the nines". So silly.

We cut down all of the crappy elm tress on our south property line so that we can put a fence up. I can't wait to do a detailed yard progress post as we've had a tractor and landscapers here this week!

Due Date

This was supposed to post on September 16th, but somehow the schedule was removed when I edited it, so here it is now. A few days late, but here none the less. 

*This is the letter that I wrote to Isaac and Evan and read at their graveside service. This day has been a day that I've been dreading. For weeks I've been thinking, "oh, I would be excitedly counting down the weeks/days to delivery right now", and wondering if I would actually make it to 40 weeks or if I'd opt for a 38 week delivery, and taking very large belly pictures. I miss all of that. It makes me very sad (and mad) that I don't get to experience it. By this time for SURE I would be holding two little boys in my arms and marveling at the miracle of it all.
But I did that 20 weeks ago. One hundred and forty long, sad days ago. And my boys were pretty miraculous even at that point.
I miss not  getting to experience the wonder of them every day. No sideways glances into the bassinet at night to see two babies nestled together. No moments of sitting and watching them laugh or play with each other in that special twin way.  I will miss the wonder of them every day for the rest of my life. Sometimes Heaven can't come soon enough. *

My sweet baby boys

On Friday, April 22^nd we got the biggest shock of our lives. We went in for a routine ultrasound and immediately saw your 2 little heartbeats pulsing away up on the big screen. Your daddy and I were so confused and assumed that one of those black pulsing spots was a brain. What else could it be?

When our ultrasound technician told us that was 2 heartbeats, we were beyond surprised. I had no idea that there could possibly be two babies inside me. I thought there was no chance that me of all people could ever wind up with twins. And yet, there you both were. It was an amazing moment that I will forever remember.

We decided that twins was enough of a surprise, so we asked to know what your genders were. We were thrilled to find out that you were identical boys. I immediately started wondering how we'd ever tell you apart.

We brought your brother Alex with us to be able to see the baby and he was SO excited that there were two babies and that he was going to be having 2 brothers. Oddly enough, he had been telling everyone for weeks that he was having 2 brothers. I kept correcting him that we were only having one baby, but I can't help but think that he knew way before any of us did.
I was so excited that you two would have Alex for an older brother. I knew that you all would have a great time playing in the dirt and playing trains and cars together (when you weren't wrecking his stuff that is). I bet you're both anxiously awaiting the day for him to rejoin you. It's hard to imagine that you didn't have a close relationship with Alex way before even he joined our family.

We couldn't wait to tell all of your grandmas and grandpas and aunts and uncles that we were having twins. We recorded everyone we told on video and Alex was very good at keeping the secret until after each person had looked at your ultrasound pictures. Alex would then blurt out “two brothers!”. He was so happy that he was indeed getting 2 brothers after all. It was so fun and everyone was so surprised and excited about both of you.

Alex and I watched twin videos on youtube for days. This became his top request and took the usual top spot of angry birds. That's a pretty hard thing to do and you two did it.
Alex was so interested in both of you and couldn't wait to have his brothers be born and come to his house. Alex would randomly cuddle up next to me and pat my stomach and ask me questions about what you both were doing or what you looked like. We'd look at pictures of how you were both developing and growing while I would anxiously look ahead and count down the weeks until you'd possibly be arriving. It amazes me how interested your brother was in you even before you arrived. It almost seems like he knew that his time on earth with you was limited.

Being me, I immediately started planning for you from the moment we saw those 2 heart beats. When I found out that we were having twins, my head started spinning. I didn't know how to do 2 babies at once! I was thinking of strollers and car seats and beds and feeding and diapers and probably at least a hundred other things. You two totally threw me through a loop. The best thing for me was that it felt like a whole different pregnancy. I was so excited to immerse myself in the twin world and learn everything I possibly could to get ready for you.

Being a mom, I of course started thinking about you and how life would be once you both arrived.

Some of my favorite thoughts were imagining you both cuddled up together in bed, Kaitlyn patting each of you on the head, the slew of baby stuff all over the house, nursing both of you, the constant juggling of babies between me and daddy, and all of the laughter you two would share together.
All of the sweet thoughts overcame the crazy ones and I knew that we could do this.

I enjoyed every day knowing that you were both growing inside me and I was another day closer to meeting you. I looked forward to my dr. appointments so that I could see all of your many limbs moving around. Every moment was exciting and miraculous.

That miraculous world only lasted for what felt like seconds before it came shattering down.

You came sooner than anyone wanted you to. It was not at all how we wanted to meet you both.

My body and spirit now feel like there is a giant hole in them where you were. I miss feeling your movements and knowing that you were in there fighting for space with each other. All the dreams I had of you were slammed into the deepest part of my heart so as to avoid the tears that remembering them brings.
It absolutely broke my heart to tell Alex that his brothers were not going to come to live at our house. It hurts that we don't watch twin videos anymore and that he asks about when his baby brothers will be alive again so they can come live with us. I wish that I could tell him that his brothers were still in my tummy and you wouldn't be coming out until August like I did earlier in the week.

I wish with all of my heart that we could just go back in time with a different outcome so that I could have brought both of you home. I wanted you both so so much. I wish that I could have snuggled you up close together and just held you for hours in those precious newborn days full of sleeping and snuggling. I will forever miss everything I dreamed of and having you both here with me and our family.

I will always cherish the precious minutes that I got to spend holding you after you were born and seeing your little hearts beating. Your bodies were so tiny, but absolutely perfect and beautiful. When I looked at you I could see the same traits that both Alex and Kaitlyn have. It was obvious that you are their brothers. I loved your tiny noses and feet. I couldn't get over how cute they were. I was happy to hold and just look at you both all night long. There was nothing else I would have rather done than spend as much time with you as I could. You are my babies.

Isaac and Evan, you will always hold a special place in my heart. It will forever ache with your absence, but will rejoice when I get to hold you in my arms again. I look forward to when those dreams that are in the bottom of my heart can resurface and I can snuggle you up close together, hold you for as long as I want, and watch you grow up together. Until then, I look forward to those precious moments when I can feel your sweet spirits with me. I pray that it's often.
I love and miss you both so much.

Love,

Mama



Today especially, I'm missing moments like these. Missing the moments that I got to hold my boys. Missing that I don't get them under happier circumstances now. My heart aches that I don't get to have them and hold them today. So I look at these pictures and miss the moments I had and the moments I never got to have.

House Projects 1 year later

Remember my post last year about all of the things we've done so far and the LONG list of things yet to do?
I thought you'd like a little update! Plus it makes me feel happy to see that we actually have been making progress on our home.

And so you don't have to go back and forth, here is the DONE list from last year:

• put in a tankless water heater (and thus pulled the old water heater out),
• new furnace and AC (was formerly swamp...so that was a project...)
• painted the bedrooms (and the molding in them) and 2 exterior doors
• totally retextured the walls and painted in the front room
• pulled out the last of the gross carpet that was downstairs
• put in new basement windows
• pulled out old sprinkler pipe, various debris, and HUGE dead trees in the backyard
• took down a ratty old over grown chain link fence from 3 sides of our .46 acre lot
• tore out and poured a new driveway
• pulled out various bushes and creeping jenny that was taking over the fence and trees
• regraded the dirt to slope away from the house in the back
• dug some trenches for future sprinkler pipe
• and added insulation to the attic.

Not bad.

Now onto what else we've finished!

• went tractor crazy on the yard and moved a LOT of dirt to give us a better back yard. We got some Adriondak chairs the other day and plopped them down where we can sit and look at the dirt and plan. It's kind of beach-esque. And I'm sure kind of amusing for everyone that drives by and sees them.
• FINISHED the basement!!! We hired someone to come put all of the molding in, hired someone to paint (umm... no, we didn't want to prep and paint a 3 tone paint job in 1000 sq. ft. of living space), and Jon picked out some fabulous carpet (which only took us about 3 weeks to decide on). 
• And since the basement got finished, we got to UNPACK!!! Yes, that counts as a project. I fully admit there are still boxes down there that haven't found a home (and a lot of it is seasonal stuff anyway), but having a room that you can actually walk into and around in is marvelous.
• Painted the baseboard and door trim in the family room
• Took out a freaking load bearing wall, re-textured the whole hallway, and did a 3 tone paint job. YAY for white doors, ceilings, and trim. So so wonderful.
• Put in a stair railing. This wasn't supposed to happen for like 5 years. But we love it and we love our sectional, so it was nice that I didn't have to wait 5 years and that I got a fabulous couch.
• Pulled out MORE fence along the back of our property and had our property surveyed and learned that we have a little more space than we thought.
• Planted some bushes in the front. Grew weeds everywhere else. 
• Finished the art room and made plans for the future bedroom/bathroom/closet/storage room that will eventually take over that space. 
• Organized my new crafty space and hung the first things on the walls. Still haven't hung any other pictures/decor. Moving and trying to find places for things that were bought specifically for spaces in the old house is hard.

So what's left?

• Kaitlyn's room. I'm itching to get started on that. I have the paint all ready and waiting. I just need to convince Jon that cutting mdf is fun. And really... we need to do that before it gets cold. 

• The yard. Oh the yard. We still need to level it out and get a final grade on it. We need to figure out just what we are doing with the massive elm trees that are riding the property line (next door to a rental). After that is a fence (next door to a rental on a .48 lot...). Then planning out where all the plantings are going to go so that we can plan out the sprinklers. And if we're digging for that, we have to consider landscape lighting. Until then, Alex and Kaitlyn like the dirt. Kaitlyn likes to sit and dump it on her legs which makes Alex freak out that she's getting dirty and putting it all over herself.

•  The storage/bedroom/bathroom downstairs. We'll get around to this when we decide we're tired of not having a bathroom downstairs.

• Hanging pictures and general decorating. It took me 3.5 years in Texas. I have plenty of time to get things right.

• Texturing and painting the kitchen. And doing SOMETHING about my cabinets.

• Taking out the hallway carpet and refinishing the original hardwood. The mismatched carpet which was fine when there was a wall and door separating the 2 was fine. Now it's a little weird. We'll see if I get crazy enough to want to refinish the bedrooms too. (shh... don't tell Jon I said that.)

• Rework the laundry room into a more usable space. Plans right now involve some wall removal, a utility sink, and possibly a shorter counter and bench. I need to use it for another year or so before I figure out the best solution.

• Texture and paint the bathroom. The drywall patching in there is horrible. And not quite sure what the deal was with the primer, but we have major paint bubbles (due to moisture getting under the paint) and paint chipping off. It's pink underneath. Bright 70's bubble gum pink. The built ins will also be painted white and may possibly be reworked. The drawers are old and don't work super well. 

• Eventually figure out how I'm going to have a bigger/more open kitchen and still have a workable front door with an actual foyer area.

• And of course a garage one day. It may start with a single by building in our carport, but eventually we'll have a real 2 (or 3...) car garage again (though it's totally going to have more clearance than our garage in Texas had so we can actually park 2 cars in there and have storage space.)
  
• And the master bath and closet are definitely on the list, but that likely won't come until we're making garage plans, so we may move downstairs into the suite that we are planning for down there before we get to the garage and possibly adding on.

What's funny is that when we moved here we thought that maybe we'd just do a total remodel/addition/total house encasement in 10-15 years and have our dream house, but I'm actually really liking my house and the house that it will be. I wish that there was a better place for my front door and a way for my family room to have large windows to the backyard without totally having to rework everything, but that's okay. I have many many years before I have to decide if I even want a huge remodel/addition/encasement.

1 year later, still writing at 2 am, still loving our house and it's awesome potential.

What we've been doing

Can I just say that it is awesome having a phone that I can upload right to photobucket from? Otherwise, you would never see any pictures on the blog!

I went to my 10 yr. high school reunion. It was at a hotel downtown and it was fun to see people that I haven't seen in 10 years. Since I liked my new outfit, here is a picture of me.

I've been scoring some awesome deals.
I got these carseats for half of their normal price. We got 2 because they were only $25 and hopefully one day we'll have another baby that will be needing a carseat. I can't help thinking that it would have been perfect if we were actually having twins. Sigh.
Anyway, awesome deal and Kaitlyn has already demanded that she have a pink seat, so we've already taken the seat she was riding in out and put in the pink seat. Occasionally it even helps her want to sit in her seat. Getting that girl to sit in the carseat is a battle we have a LOT.

I also found this adorable head and footboard at the thrift store for $35! It has a couple dings in it and no rails etc., but I love it. One of our upstairs bedrooms is big enough for a full and a twin, so eventually when we need kids to share a room, we'll have a cute bed for them. And since it was only $35, I won't feel bad painting it should I decide it needs to be red or blue or something.

Home Goods was good to me and I got these adorable nesting tables and awesome lamp. I told Jon that I want to redo our bedroom for my birthday and Christmas presents. I have a general idea in mind and have been buying things bit by bit when I find something I like.These were too perfect to pass up!

I also found a perfect box to keep all of Isaac and Evan's things in. I love that I have a place for everything, but it also makes me depressed that their short life can fit in a box and that's all I have. The box resides in my crafty closet where I can easily see it and get it out any time I need/want to.

Until I get things hung on the wall, I have their picture up here by my craft area. My sweet grandparents gave us the "Twice Blessed" statue from Hansen Classics, which we love. I love looking up and seeing my sweet baby boys. Oh how I miss them.

In the ongoing slew of projects, we got the art space mostly done. The magnet wall needs a frame and if we have leftover paint we may put some paint on the walls.
Here is Alex loving his creative space. I love that he'll go in there and color randomly throughout the day.

I organized all of the crayons cause I'm cool like that. Alex hasn't really used them too much (he's a marker fan), so I can't tell you how he's doing at keeping them where they belong, but it shouldn't be too hard to keep straight. I also organized the markers by warm and cool colors. Those are a little harder for him, so I plan on putting colored stickers on those containers so he knows what colors go where.

I still have to figure out the best way to store everything. I have to have the markers up where Kaitlyn can't reach them but Alex can. I'm trying to figure out if shelves or a bookshelf would be best for storing everything. This is what happens when Kaitlyn gets into the markers.

And another funny picture of Kaitlyn. She loves making this face.

Here she is just laying downstairs. I just thought it was cute.

And here she is swinging, which is probably her favorite thing ever. She swung for a good 15 minutes the other day at the park. I think we need to hang her swing up from our tree or get our swingset set up!

I was going to post some videos, but they aren't embedding, so I'll have to post them later.

Yard improvement!

Our awesome neighbors donated some boxwoods to us that they were taking out (because the old lady they bought their house from had them EVERYWHERE and in weird places). I finally got the little hedge I was wanting in front of my porch. The bonus is that I don't have to buy tiny plants and wait for them to grow.
We also were able to fill in our front planting area a little more. I think that planting area is going to be shrinking eventually. It's just so big and a little out of scale.

Anyway, we are loving the end result and think that the new bushes look fabulous!

Before:

After:

Other exciting yard news: we had our lot surveyed. We have a bunch of crappy (minus their age/height/shade factor) elms right on our property line. We wanted to see just how much they were on our side or our neighbors side so we can start figuring out a fence. Good news for us is that our existing fence to the side of our driveway is about 2 feet onto our property at least at where the stake is- we still need to string it to get a full line) and it appears that most of the trees are on our side with maybe 1 big one riding the line.
So we may not have any issues with taking them out without the consent of the neighbor (which is actually a rental property). We do need to see if he is okay with putting the fence on the line instead of very much on our side of the line though. Hopefully he'll agree since it will be an improvement to his property (we doubt that he will pay anything for it because most of his lot is just weeds).

The other cool thing with the property line being 2 feet over is that we could actually extend jon's little parking spot over there. That extra 2 feet would make it so that we could probably close in our carport so that we'd have a garage (!!!). As it is, his door opens into the open space in the wall. He wouldn't be able to open his door if there was a wall there, so that 2 feet would give him that space.
Just add that to the list of projects...