Endless Tears

I won't lie. I've been avoiding my blog. I didn't want to come here and see (and have to remove) the pregnancy ticker with two babies in it that I just added days before the unimaginable.

Today sucked. A lot. Last Thursday sucked about a hundred times more than today. Every day in between sucked.

All of my quiet moments are filled with tears and grief. I climb in bed every night and sob until there are no more tears left. When I'm not physically crying, my spirit is. My heart hurts so much.

I was supposed to be relishing in my last pregnancy (yay! no more weeks and weeks of feeling sick!). It was certainly exciting and different than any of my others. I was supposed to be worried about my babies being monitored closely, seeing my Dr. (and my babies on ultrasound) often, getting as close to full term as possible, and whether I'd be able to deliver both boys naturally or if I'd get to experience a c-section this time around.
And here I am. All of my plans shredded up into a million little pieces and then thrown around, stomped on, and burned.
I am not pregnant. I have no twins to look forward to. I just am.

I feel like I was thrown into the dashboard with unimaginable force and then the car was thrown into a speeding reverse to the opposite end of a road where I am forced to sit and idle while in immense pain and still see the road I was on with the bright happy destination shortly ahead. I want to be on that road again, but there is no way to get there. I can only look at it and long for it.

I've wished for things to just go back to how there were thousands of times already. I want to go back and find some way to fix it. I want to go back and take back the twin pregnancy so I could "save it for next time" when it would be more likely to give me my happy ending. How dumb is that? That I'm willing to sacrifice a single baby for the sake of having my boys?

I feel like there is nothing that can be done to fill the giant hole in my heart that losing twins has left me with.
It's like I lost a precious family heirloom or lost all of my family photos, mementos and belongings in a fire. A twin pregnancy is irreplaceable. {note, I'm not saying that a lost pregnancy is replaceable}. I may never again have the chance to have twins and it breaks my heart beyond repair. My chance is gone. That was it and it was ripped away from me.

Now what? How is life supposed to go on? Who am I now? How do I find joy in the every day things again?

I am terrified of next week. How do I do the dishes/change diapers/do laundry/make lunch and dinner/go anywhere/do anything without thinking, "I should be pregnant and doing a/b/c/d/e...".
I am terrified of August-September when I should have been having my babies and bringing them home.
I'm afraid of Christmas and remembering last week when I told my mom that I was going to have to find a matching pair of christmas jammies so that the boys could match, but now knowing that there may never be a baby that will fit into them.
Everything about every day of the future scares me. I just don't know how to do it anymore. Everything is changed.

This is my life now. I'm thankful for the many wonderful things I do have, but that doesn't make the situation any less crappy. I can only hope that with time (lots and lots of it) my heart will at least stop bleeding and that I can make it through a day without crying. For now, I'll keep up with my current daily trend and cry the tears until there are no more to cry - until the next moment comes along.

I'll be back soon to post some pictures and talk about my beautiful babies, but for now I just need to grieve and rant about how unfair the whole thing is. Life right now just sucks.